All ‘Family’ Posts

Feel Cared About

When Have People Been Caring?
The Practice
Feel cared about.
Why?

Everyone knows what it’s like to care about someone. Remember being with a friend, a mate, a pet: you feel warmly connected, and want him or her not to suffer and to be happy.

On the other hand, you’ve probably had the sense, one time or another, of not being cared about. That you didn’t matter to another person, or to a group of people. Maybe they weren’t actively against you, but they sure weren’t for you.

As soon as you recall a time like that, it’s immediately clear why it’s important to feel cared about – which is to the heart what water is to your body.

Sometimes we feel embarrassed about our yearnings to be cared about. But they are completely normal – and deeply rooted in evolution. Love, broadly defined, has been the primary driver of the development of the brain over the last 80 million years.

Our ancestors – mammals, primates, hominids, and humans – survived and flourished and passed on their genes by learning to find good mates, bond with their young, draw males in to provide for children, create “the village it takes to raise a child” whose brain is quadrupling in size after birth and thus needs a long and vulnerable childhood, and team up with each other to compete with other bands for scarce resources.

In this context, being cared about was crucial to survival. Mammals, etc. that did not care about being cared about did not pass on their genes. No wonder you care about being cared about!

Studies show that feeling cared about buffers against stress, increases positive emotions, promotes resilience, and increases caring for others. Plus it feels darn good. Read more »

Posted by Dr. Rick Hanson on October 7th, 2011 in Family, General, Relationships, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in Buddha’s Brain, Family, happiness, know yourself, LOVE, own your life, Rick Hanson, self help, self love, self-esteem, truth

Grieving Is the First Step to Healing

Unexpressed grief is like glue. It keeps us stuck and immobile.

Grief, like a beach ball held under the water, will fight to pop to the surface. The longer you try to hold it under, the harder it is to keep it down.

I used to expend a lot of my energy trying to drown my grief. On the outside, I had a nice life with all the trimmings, but inside I felt as thin and brittle as burnt paper.

I needed to lean into the pain that disappointment and loss brought me. I needed to sob over things from my childhood that made me feel unloved; I needed to wail and say goodbye to my old life; I needed to fall to my knees weep over dreams that didn’t come true, friendships that ended, goals I never accomplished. I needed to allow myself to feel bad.

Honoring loss is the only way to move through the pain. That’s when healing begins.

I didn’t know it at the time, but my refusal to grieve was the thing that kept me stuck. In limbo. In purgatory. Frozen under a sheet of ice.

It took a lot of soul searching and hard, heavy work, but I finally figured out that the only way to change is to face my unexpressed grief. You’ve got to let it swallow you whole, consume you. You have to relinquish control, put down your shield and sword. You have to walk into Grief’s lair and surrender. It’s not easy. In fact, it sucks. When you clean a wound with antiseptic, it hurts. But the burn of medicine is brief, temporary, and healing.

If you feel stuck, or unhappy or numb inside, it’s time to stop avoiding grief. Submit to it. Take a few minutes every day to honor the losses, disappointments and heart breaks in your life.

Let me be clear, I’m not saying you should walk around in misery day after day. What I am suggesting is that you take a little private time to cry or sulk or be pissed off. Shine a light in the dark places. Feel the pain, be with it. Then let it go.

Here’s the kicker: the feelings you are so afraid will chew you to pieces are what help you heal. The act of surrendering is the first step across the threshold.

Healing will take time and effort, but it will change your life.

My name is Glad Doggett. I help people lean into change by helping them reconnect with their inner brilliance. Check out my online e-course re: Turn to You. You can find me on my blog Best Laid Scheme and on Facebook.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Glad Doggett on August 1st, 2011 in Family, New Directions, Personal Stories | No comments

The Evolution of Love

How did we evolve the most loving brain on the planet?

Humans are the most sociable species on earth – for better and for worse.

On the one hand, we have the greatest capacities for empathy, communication, friendship, romance, complex social structures, and altruism. On the other, we have the greatest capacities for shaming, emotional cruelty, sadism, envy, jealousy, discrimination and other forms of dehumanization, and wholesale slaughter of our fellow humans.

In other words, to paraphrase a Native American teaching, a wolf of love and a wolf of hate live in the heart of every person.

Many factors shape each of these two wolves, including biological evolution, culture, economics, and personal history. Here, I’d like to comment on key elements of the neural substrate of bonding and love; Read more »

Posted by Dr. Rick Hanson on May 19th, 2011 in Family, General, Health, Relationships | 1 comment Read related posts in altruism, biological evolution, Buddha’s Brain, child attachment, emotional cruelty, extended family, family groups, fellow humans, friendship romance, hominids, human genome, LOVE, neural substrate, neuroscience, parents and children, personal history, psychological factors, Rick Hanson, scarce resources, social structures, vulnerable child

Put No One Out of Your Heart

What is an open heart?
The Practice
Put no one out of your heart.
Why?

We all know people who are, ah, . . . challenging. It could be a critical parent, a bossy supervisor, a relative who has you walking on eggshells, a nice but flaky friend, a co-worker who just doesn’t like you, a partner who won’t keep his or her agreements, or a politician you dislike. Right now I’m thinking of a neighbor who refused to pay his share of a fence between us.

As Jean-Paul Sartre put it: “Hell is other people.”

Sure, that’s overstated. But still, most of a person’s hurts, disappointments, and irritations typically arise in reactions to other people.

Ironically, in order for good relationships to be so nurturing to us as human beings – who have evolved to be the most intimately relational animals on the planet – you must be so linked to others that some of them can really rattle you!

So what can you do?

Let’s suppose you’ve tried to make things better – such as taking the high road yourself and perhaps also trying to talk things out, pin down reasonable agreements, set boundaries, etc. – but the results have been partial or nonexistent.

At this point, it’s natural to close off to the other person, often accompanied by feelings of apprehension, resentment, or disdain. While the brain definitely evolved to care about “us,” it also evolved to separate from, fear, exploit, and attack “them” – and those ancient, neural mechanisms can quickly grab hold of you.

But what are the results? Closing off doesn’t feel good. Read more »

Posted by Dr. Rick Hanson on May 12th, 2011 in Family, General, Relationships, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in brain, Buddha's Brain, Contemplative Practice, Contentment, happiness, LOVE, Mind Brain, mindfulness, Neuroplasticity, neuroscience, Positive Psychology, Relationships, Rick Hanson

What You Mean to Me

I am in a relationship unlike any other – ever. My partner and I are different – in the way we support each other, care for each other, respect each other and love each other. We fit. We go together.

So to say, “I love you” isn’t large enough for all that we are to each other. It needs something more – something different and something more personal. And as the holidays were on us, I was looking for an exceptional way to appreciate the gift of this relationship.

I found some inspiration on a plaque I saw in the the airline SkyMall Magazine (company name is “Signals”) on one of my recent speaking trips. I borrowed a few of their lines, then added more. The result is a great list of new ways to say how much someone means to you. The life ones start the list – the emotional ones end the list. My favorite two – the ones that mean the most to me – are highlighted.

You are the cheese to my macaroni.

You are the horizon to my sky.

You are the bacon to my eggs.

You are the laces to my sneakers.

You are the jelly to my peanut butter.

You are the smile to my face.

You are the gravy to my mashed potatoes.

You are marshmallow to my hot chocolate.

You are the bubbles to my bath.

You are the milk to my cookie.

You are the ink to my pen.

You are the ketchup to my french fries.

You are the water to my ocean.

You are the icing on my cupcake.

You are the salt to my pepper.

You are the mustard to my pastrami.

You are the toner to my printer.

You are the charger to my phone.

You are the caramel drizzle to my macchiato.

You are star to my Christmas tree.

You are the key to my home.

You are the BBQ sauce to my ribs.

You are the cornbread to my greens.

You are the dressing to my salad.

You are the lens to my glasses.

You are the moon to my stars.

You are schmear to my bagel.

You are the noodles to my pad thai.

You are the tequila to my margarita.

You are the flower to my plant.

You are the first thought to my day.

You are the cocktail sauce to my shrimp.

You are the pesto to my pasta.

You are the quiet to my night.

You are the wind to my kite.

You are the strength to my fear.

You are the spotlight to my painting.

You are the curtains to my windows.

You are the art to my walls.

You are the flame to my candle.

You are the lemon to my hummus.

You are the toothpaste to my toothbrush.

You are the honey to my tea.

You are the key to my car.

You are the GPS to my road trip.

You are the garage to my house.

You are the tea to my hot water.

You are the butter to my bread.

You are the cover to my pan.

You are the olives to my pantry.

You are the caramel to my apples.

You are the sun to my summer.

You are the star to my sky.

You are the green light to my intersection.

You are the ring to my phone.

You are the wasabi to my sushi.

You are cash to my bank account.

You are the letters to my words.

You are the keyboard to my computer.

You are the images to my photos.

You are the Armani label to my ties.

You are the winner to my race.

You are the comfort to my sorrow.

You are the breath to my lungs.

You are the inspiration to my mind.

You are the passion to my soul.

You are the hero to my life’s story.

You are the beat to my heart.

Create your own – use the the things that have great meaning for you and who you are sharing it with. Never miss an opportunity to share how you feel. Never wait; never impose any limits on how personal and clever you can be. Loving someone and being loved in return is the greatest gift in life.

And though I know what “I love you” means, I get a much stronger feeling when I hear “you are the hero to my life’s story…” And by the way, don’t wait for holidays to use these. May they become the way you constantly share what special people mean to you.

Jay Forte is a greatness coach and motivational speaker. He is the author of The Greatness Zone – Know Yourself, Find Your Fit, Transform the World and Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition. He coaches and inspires people to access their personal and professional greatness, to bring their best to their world. More information at www.TheGreatnessZone.com and www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on January 4th, 2011 in Family, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Spirituality, Things We Love | No comments

You Have a Dream Inside of You!

This holiday season with your permission I’d like to remind you of your special gift.

You have a dream inside of you that the world would love to see you make real. I know you can do it because this dream came to you. You are its owner and it’s your power and potential that is required to make it manifest. Doubt, fear, dead ends, delays and setbacks can make you feel like it’s not meant to be, but I’m here to tell you you’d be wrong. To quote Marianne Williamson, “you are powerful beyond measure.” Your light is meant to brighten this world.

Nine years ago I had a dream, literally. It emphasized the need to teach the children differently. The result of that dream is finally tangible in my first book, The Magic Mirror and The Grandma Message. Many times over these 9 years I abandoned this project only to be drawn back to it. I share this with you not to brag but to beg you to take your dream off the shelf, the back burner or out of the closet and breathe your passion back into it. It is your dream for a reason.

And now, 9 years later, my dream – The Magic Mirror and The Grandma Message – is published!

This book arose from a practice that I began with my own grandchildren: The Grandma Message practice. It’s all about telling the children in your world how amazing they are, that they are loved and cared for at all times, and they don’t have to do or be anything to earn your love.

Can you imagine what a gift such a message would be for those you love – big and small! What a difference it could make in their lives and yours.

So this holiday season give yourself a blessed gift; recommit to your dream. It’s waiting for you and only you can fulfill it.

Deborah Battersby, creator of the emMatrix Coaching System, and trained by Tony Robbins and other leaders in the field, is a coach known for innovative solutions and dramatic results. She’s helped thousands increase their incomes and take the joyful journey to more abundant living.

Her book, The Magic Mirror and the Grandma Message, is available now at www.themagicmirrorbook.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Deborah Battersby on December 16th, 2010 in Family, New Directions, Personal Stories | No comments

Grandma’s Magic Mirror: A Letter to Grownups

I have long been aware of the power of words to uplift or deflate, inspire or demoralize. Your words not only create your reality they shape the reality of the children and/or impressionable souls around you.

On some level, words of encouragement and discouragement have molded your beliefs about life, about yourself and about what’s possible.

Knowing this, I wondered, how can we help kids grow their confidence and belief in themselves? What came about – and what I’m so excited about! – is a children’s book which has just been published.

This book arose from a practice that I began with my own grandchildren: The Grandma Message practice. It is offered here as a strategy for intentionally instilling healthy, empowering beliefs in those you love and influence.

The practice is simple. It’s all about telling the children in your world how amazing they are, that they are loved and cared for at all times, and they don’t have do or be anything to earn your love.

My granddaughters Rowan and Sylvia were three and four when we started the daily phone calls that became The Grandma Message:

“You are smart and clever, brave and strong.

You are amazing, gifted and complete.

Today you can make a profound difference.

You can BE and DO anything in the whole wide world.

All it takes is practice and believing.

I believe in you!

I am! I can! I believe!”

Making the calls became a habit. Some days the girls were cranky and didn’t want to talk, so I’d leave a voicemail message. They’d sometimes whine, “You always say the same thing, it’s boring.” Chuckling, I said, “I’ll always tell you how amazing you are and how much you’re loved.” What’s funny, though, is that the girls were quick to remind me if I forgot something they particularly liked. Rowan would say, “What about brave, Grandma? We’re really, really brave.” Sylvia loved “smart” and “beautiful
and made sure I always included that part.

Within weeks, the girls started giving Grandma Messages to each other. Sylvia gave one to Rowan when she was crying and didn’t want to go to preschool, reminding her how brave and clever she is. Rowan gave several to Sylvia to keep her from quitting in her efforts to cross the monkey bars. “You’re strong, practice and believe,” she nudged.

Their dad got his share of Grandma Messages too. Once he called home saying he’d be late due to a problem at work. The girls knew what to do. Daddy needed a Grandma Message. Stephen swears it did the trick. He called back a few minutes later and said he was on his way.

One morning, after a sleep over, Rowan asked to call her mom. Secretly dreading she was going to cry and ask to go home, I handed her the phone only to hear her say, “Hi, Mommy. You’re beautiful, brave and smart. You can do anything in the whole wide world. What do we say?” My heart melted, tears streamed down my cheeks; unprompted, a three-year-old was passing it on.

Giving the messages was simple, easy and apparently contagious. I wished I had done this for my children. But wait, they’re still my children; I could still do it. So I called them. My husband was next. I called his cell phone and got voicemail. I left his Grandma Message anyway. Three weeks later it was still saved in his voicemail.

Getting sincere words of love and encouragement for NO REASON seemed to appeal to everyone. Even impromptu messages to friends resulted in immediate replies of: you have no idea how much I needed this.

A friend, concerned about her seven-year-old grandson whose parents were divorcing, needed a way to give him extra support. She started her practice; now they’re having a great time, enjoying the precious minutes shared each day.

Can mere words help someone feel loved and special? Can your words help the people in your life see their value and worthiness? Can hearing your words of encouragement make a difference to someone you care about? If you believe they can, then join in The Grandma Message project. Empower someone daily with the gift of your words of affirmation. Consider the ripple effect of these messages circulating throughout the world every day. If one life is inspired, you have changed the world for the better.

Let’s “teach the children differently.”

Deborah Battersby, creator of the emMatrix Coaching System, and trained by Tony Robbins and other leaders in the field, is a coach known for innovative solutions and dramatic results. She’s helped thousands increase their incomes and take the joyful journey to more abundant living.

Her book, The Magic Mirror and the Grandma Message, is available now at www.themagicmirrorbook.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Deborah Battersby on December 14th, 2010 in Family | No comments

The 3 Ways We (Accidentally) Help Our Kids Fail

I know we don’t mean to help our kids fail; sometimes we just do too much for them – we don’t make them do their work. Maybe we love them too much and want their lives to be easy. But too much of the wrong kind of help doesn’t prepare them define who they are, identify their talents, find their best place in the world and own their lives. I am a father of three daughters. I have learned some things that I feel have prepared them to step up and stand out in their lives – to own their lives. And I thought it was worth sharing.

My personal perspective is that the greatest gift we receive in life is the ability to invent our lives – we can create each day in the way we choose. And what we need to help us invent extraordinary lives – extraordinary according to our terms – we already have. We are born with unique talents and strengths (gifts) that exhibit themselves through our abilities and passions. We are great at some things, not others. We love some things and not others. Each of us is unique. Each of us is different. Learning about this difference is the key to inventing our most amazing lives, and helping our kids invent theirs.

For example, I am good at and love details, precision, social research and writing. My kids are not at all like this. They are more social, more scientific and are more take-charge. They would hate my job. And though I may feel that my job would be good fit for them and would give the resources to be successful in life, they don’t feel this. They must get up each morning and be thrilled by life. Following in my footsteps is not be the best choice for any or all of them. They need to choose for themselves those things that play to their particular talents, interests and passions. This is how they become successful. This is not what many parents do.

As a greatness coach and a parent, here are the most significant three ways I see that we (accidentally) help our kids to fail:

1. We do not help them know themselves – what they are good at and what they are passionate about. So many of today’s kids are very self-unaware; they have little sense of who they are, what their talents are and what they are passionate about. They go through life on autopilot – being directed by parents and friends – doing very little of their own thinking.

It is our role as parents to help them learn how to identify their talents, interests and passions. Many times our talents are so closely connected to how we think that we have a difficult time identifying them. This is a great opportunity for parents to share what they see in their kids and dialog about it. Catching a kid doing something great, and commenting on it, helps him notice his behaviors. And as much as we learn about what we do well, we also learn about what we don’t do well – also critical information. We aren’t good at everything but we each are good at some things. Learn to identify those things and we help our children learn to play to their strengths.

2. We don’t show them enough of their world, and talk to them about their options, so they can choose wisely in work and life. Critical to their success in life is first to know themselves, then to know their world. Their greatest success and happiness will be in finding places in their world that allow them to use what they are great – to have their greatest impact. For that, they must know their world to be able to choose wisely.

Connecting to what our kids are seeing and hearing is critical – particularly in today’s intellectual age. Kids see so much more than their Boomer parents saw at their age. And this information needs conversation – to help them become aware of what appeals to them and what does not. Family vacations, reading together, reviewing websites together, learning projects and being active in the community are ways to show kids what things are available – how large the world is. The more kids start to show interest in areas, the more they should be encouraged to investigate careers and work in those areas.

3. We define happiness for them by telling them who they should be, what they should do for work and how they should live. Many parents believe they know better so they choose their kid’s life directions. I remember telling my father as he told me what my profession was to be, that for me to be successful, happy and own my life, the choice about who I am, what I do and how I live, must be mine. Parents take away life accountability when they dictate the steps of life. The more we encourage our kids to know themselves and to know their world, the better decisions they will make about their lives. This allow us to be the guide from the side in their lives – available for counsel but always relinquishing the decision to the life owner. This is critical to help create the next generation of responsible, happy and personally successful people.

Each of us receives the gift of inventing one life – our own. It is entirely our choice how large or small we invent that life. In my coaching, I regularly see that parents want to ensure their children have happy and successful lives, so they take over and dictate life’s decisions. This generally creates the opposite response – instead of helping our kids feel successful and love their lives, they become unhappy and disappointed, feeling like they are living someone else’s life.

Our greatest role is to prepare our kids to take the baton and run their lives. We help them run successfully when we guide them to discover their unique greatness, understand their world, then find their best fit. There is a great place for each of us in life. Find that place and we love our lives. And loving life is what we want most for our kids.

Jay Forte is a business and motivational speaker, and greatness coach. He is the author of The Greatness Zone – Know Yourself, Find Your Fit, Transform the World, and Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition. His coaching and programs inspire executives, employees, parents and students to discover and play to their greatness, to live and work with passion, power and purpose. More information at www.TheGreatnessZone.com and www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on November 24th, 2010 in Career, Family, General, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Teens, Things We Love | 1 comment Read related posts in choose wisely in life, Family, find your fit, greatness zone, help our kids fail, interests, kids, know yourself, love life, parents, passions, strengths, talents

The Greatest Holiday Gift

Ah, the holiday season. And we are already bombarded with a Sunday paper that tips the scales with gift ads. TV and radio ads remind us of the best gifts to give, who not to forget and how to make the holidays special. Buy, buy, buy.

I don’t know about you but this can do a great job of interfering with the kind of holiday I want to have if I let it. I don’t want a holiday of stuff – I want a holiday of experiences and stories. I want a holiday of emotions and connection. I want the memories.

As kids, it wasn’t just the gifts that made us feel so terrific about the holidays, it was the memories of feeling important, cared for, loved and special. I remember very few of the gifts I received over so many past holidays. What I do remember instead is singing carols, having neighbors over, decorating the house and eating treats that only showed up at the holidays. When I think of these, I am immediately brought back to sitting by the Christmas tree. I can smell the evergreen. I can see the lights and tinsel. I can smell the cakes baking and can hear the laughing from the other rooms as neighbors come by. I am immediately transported to happy times. It was the event. It was the feeling. It wasn’t the stuff.

So here are some of my ideas of holiday gifts that move away from the stuff and go for the memories:

Hosting a party with friends where we celebrate our time together.

Having brunch with my kids where we can talk about life, their dreams of starting families and loving the moments we spend together.

Sending and receiving cards that say, though we haven’t spoken in a while, you are still in my thoughts.

Playing music that is festive and celebratory, inspiring a feeling of peace and calm.

Walking with friends, or as a family, through towns and streets decorated with things that are bright, happy and festive.

Telling stories around the table with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, about what life was like, how each celebrated the holidays, and what made life great.

Stopping for a hot chocolate on a cold night, because we haven’t done it in a while and nothing beats the smell of hot chocolate – with whipped cream or marshmallow.

Taking an extra day off from work to be at home (not out shopping) and playing games, working on family projects or inventing a new recipe together.

Making a video where each person in the family, or each friend, records a memory of the holidays, then shares the message with the rest of the world on YouTube.

Committing the time to learn how to discuss and communicate about the things that are important to each member of the family – to help them discover their talents, strengths and passions and build a life they love.

Buying recycling bins and having everyone in the household learn how to recycle everything that can be recycled – a gift to the planet.

Being invited to, and sharing in, another person’s holiday traditions with an open mind and an appreciation for its importance to that person.

Selecting something that the receiver adores, and the giver does not add to his debt.

Holidays are terrific. They make us stop the routine and come together to celebrate. And giving seems very much a part of the holiday. But we don’t have to give until we’re broke. We also know that things never truly bring happiness, memories do.

A good friend of mine has a small artificial Christmas tree that he leaves up and lit all year. Each month, he, his wife and his son, exchange small gifts. As he told me, it is not about the gifts. It is about a small Christmas tree that stays lit all year in their house to remind them that every day is to be celebrated. Brilliant.

So as the holiday approaches, may you find new ways to celebrate. May the gifts you give and receive be personal, focused on feelings and create memories. Wishing you amazing holidays that you fondly remember forever.

Jay Forte is a business and motivational speaker, life and workplace coach. He is the author of the books, The Greatness Zone – Know Yourself, Find Your Fit, Transform the World, and Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, and the on-line resource, Stand Out and Get Hired. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to help them live fired up! More information at www.TheGreatnessZone.com and www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on November 14th, 2010 in Family, General, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Teens, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in Christmas, Connection, Family, gifts, holidays, memories, presents

Get Ready to Pass the Baton

As parents we all love to think our kids are great at everything. We love it when they walk early, talk early, excel in art class, earn good grades and are athletic. We brag, we boast – we feel so proud. It’s natural.

But nature, biology and even divine intervention seem to feel that we aren’t good at everything – that we should specialize. We are all different and must learn to understand ourselves to know our specific talents, strengths and passions – those attributes unique to each of us – so we can learn to find our best fit in today’s world. And when we find our place, we can create our best and most personalized lives – lives that are just right for us.

Inspired by our DNA are brain connections that are strong in some areas and weak in others. Early in our brain development, the brain allows the weaker connections to wither, allowing our strongest connections to lead. These connections create our personality, preferences, talents, strengths and passions. We are hardwired in very particular ways and our greatest performance (and happiness) happens when we understand this hardwiring and use it to make meaningful decisions about our work and life.

Science supports that we are good at some things and not others; we love some things and not others. Our greatest impact happens when we play to what we are intrinsically good at. We start to know this as we reach our later teenage years. Some realize it sooner, some later. But to realize what we are good at and are passionate about takes effort. It takes work. It takes work that each of us must do; we can’t do this work for our kids.

As parents, our role is to get them ready so we can pass them the baton of life – to be capable of taking it and running their life’s race. They choose where, how fast, with whom and how to run.

We are their coaches and trainers. We help them see their greatness – their talents, strengths and passions. We introduce them to the world so they can start to determine their best place – their best fit. We introduce them to the world so they realize they have choices – and the best choices will be those that allow them to play to what they are great at and passionate about. To be able to make these choices, they must know themselves and their world. And we bring all this together for them when they are young. We help them they discover the unique gifts they are born with and start to find their best place in the world that lets be who they were created to be.

When each of my three daughters graduated from high school, we hosted a “passing of the baton” ceremony. We explain that in the past 18 years, we have worked to help them discover who they are and have tried to show each of them how big the world is – to see all that is available. But when the baton is passed, they will own it all – their direction, success, happiness and choices. They will need to find their best fit – their place in their world – to be happy and thrilled by life each day. This is what is required to take the baton – to own your life.

We are still available for counsel and conversation but they must use all that they have seen to start to make wise personal choices – not to please us, be who we think they are supposed to be, or live as we feel they must – but, rather, to define happiness and success for themselves. We don’t tell them who to be. We remind them they must be the best at whatever they choose – and their best and happiest lives will be built around what they are good at and are passionate about doing.

Each of my three daughters has chosen wisely for herself; each took the baton and has owned her decisions, career and life. We may not always agree with the choices, but we realize they now own and invent their lives – as we did so many years ago. It is a wobbly process to start but with the right coaching, they learn very quickly to make good decisions.

Someone told me once that the worst thing a parent can hear their child say is “I have a miserable life.” We want our kids to be successful, but must also realize that success in our eyes may not be success in theirs. Maybe the better line is that we want our kids to love their lives and be thrilled by life each day.

So how can you coach your children well, to be ready to take the baton when it is passed to them:

1. Spend meaningful time with your kids and let them share what they think, feel and love. Listen generously.

2. Expose them to many things; many times our kids become things or do things because they didn’t know greater things were available. One of my favorite ways of showing kids the great choices in the workplace is to Google “job titles.” The sites show titles of jobs that many of us never knew we could be. It expands their options.

3. Watch the personal biases and judgments as kids start to connect to what matters most to them. An impartial approach allows kids to consider everything.

4. Careers and interests don’t always follow from parent to child. Allow children to search for those things that capture their interest, and always require them to see how what they are interested in fits in today’s world (they still have to make a living and move out of the house!).

Our kids are great – at some things. And effective coaches help their players (or kids) discover the things they are good at and then work hard to get better in those areas. This allows them to move from good to great. And to be successful in life, you must find your thing, then be great at it.

For me, the greatest success as a parent is a happy and passionate son or daughter – one who loves his/her life and does each day what he/she does best. That is success in my book. I don’t need or want my kids to be like me – unless that is what they want. Besides, the world needs us all to be different, to add the texture, color and richness of ideas and impact. We invent our world by those who live in it at this moment. To have the best world, we need everyone in their “greatness zone” – that place where they are connect to their best and share it with all of us. Help them get ready to take the baton and live their greatness.

Jay Forte is a business and motivational speaker, performance consultant and life coach. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, and The Greatness Zone; Know Yourself, Find Your Fit, Transform Your World. Jay guides organizations – their leaders and managers – in how to attract, hire and retain today’s best talent. He coaches individuals how to reconnect to their talents and passions to achieve extraordinary personal and professional performance – to live their greatness. More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com and www.TheGreatnessZone.com.

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Posted by Jay Forte on October 28th, 2010 in Career, Family, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Spirituality, Teens | No comments Read related posts in careers, children, Family, find your fit, happiness, life choices, own your life