Posts by Ariane de Bonvoisin

Women Who Run With the Wolves

This is a book I recommend to any woman right now who is wondering what it means to be feminine, to have a career, to be a mom, to be a lover, to find her creative power, to pursue a dream, to grow wiser, any woman who is looking for her place in the world. It will help you understand many facets of what it means to be a woman. Clarissa’s writing and story telling is magnificent. Buy it at Amazon.

Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on November 13th, 2009 in Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in books, Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Money, Meaning and a Little Motivation

There isn’t a single person who hasn’t been affected by the financial meltdown. Each of us is being asked to think differently about money, reflect on how much we have and need, why we need it, how we can make more in today’s world.

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Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on November 13th, 2009 in Finances | No comments Read related posts in money

Change—the New and the Old

All change involves a delicate combination of the new and the old. Change asks us to allow, accept, embrace and welcome the new. And change asks us to let go, grieve, release and find peace with what has changed. In that light I asked myself what specifically should we focus on and embrace and what can we support ourselves in letting go of.

5 things to focus on:

1. Get back in your body and out of your head. All the struggle and uncertainty we are living with right now, puts us in our heads, in anxiety for many hours of the day. We mistreat our bodies, feed them poorly, don’t give them a way to process emotions. We feel disconnected. We are split. We don’t feel anymore because we don’t feel ourselves first. We need to find anything, dancing, walking, jumping, bodywork, baths, breathwork, that us connect with our bodies again. So ask yourself some questions: Am I breathing deeply? Am I tight/sore? Ask your body how it’s feeling.

2. Allow yourself to be human, feel every emotion fully, including the ones you’ll do anything to avoid. We are all very attached to being perfect, in control. So we don’t get really sad. We don’t feel terror. We don’t express hurt or anger or disappointment or shame. However, the reality is that the emotion we most resist is ruling our lives. What is it for you? Once you realize the grip it has on you, it will start to release. If you are sad, feel totally sad. If you are filled with emptiness, feel that fully. It’s only on the other side of those feelings that you will find relief. It’s never in pretending they don’t exist or you have dealt with them.

3. Focus on you being happy. We should do what we want, really want. This the biggest gift we can give anyone, including our kids, spouse and friends. How easy it is for us to focus on anyone but ourselves? We do more for others guaranteed. It’s actually for a few reasons. We have forgotten what we even want, what would make us happy, and it’s actually much easier to help someone else rather than to start making changes in our own lives. We think we are selfish or will feel guilty if we do things we want. Everyone suffers when we are not happy. So start with remembering the little things that make you happier. Pick three and do them daily.

4. The world needs gentleness. We must start with ourselves. We should do everything with gentleness. In these times of change, we are all craving gentleness. From the guy on the bus, to the woman behind the counter, to our colleagues. Where do we find gentleness? Is there a new website, gentleness.com, where we can get our daily dose? Not necessarily. Start with yourself. You want to change your life, start with your inner dialogue, what you say when you look at yourself in the mirror. Next, treat every communication gently—every email, every phone call. It only takes a few more seconds to write or say something gentle. Create a safe space to land for yourself and then for others when they have any interaction with you.

5. Be completely OK with making mistakes and not being right. Ah, the high standards we have established, in every area of our lives. We have been so hurt by the incredibly high demands we set on ourselves. When we fail, when we try something and it doesn’t work the first time, it’s an attack on our identity. You’re the woman who gets everything done or the man who is only needed to provide. This attitude is what makes us not try something, not reach for a dream, not write that book, not try that class, not leave the bad relationship or destructive job. It’s OK to make mistakes, with honor. If you aren’t making mistakes, you are more concerned with looking good, fitting in, pretending, than you are with learning, living and growing.

Become an example for others. At all times, every choice you make shows you deciding whether to be an inspiration or a warning for someone else. Instead be a reference point. You matter for many more people than you think. To do this, become free of your own “stuff.” Start with the list below. You’ll see there the biggest things that get in the way and create your suffering.

5 things to let go of:

1. Let go of the feeling that you are “missing out.” We all feel that we are missing something in our lives. That if we make one decision, it may hurt our chance at something else. That we may have already taken the wrong path. We are missing out time with our folks, time with our kids, time in the gym and time doing nothing. Let go of this consistent nagging doubt that you should be spending your time doing something else, just in case that other thing is better or brings you a different outcome. Be present for yourself now. You are exactly where you are meant to be. Nothing is missing that won’t eventually come into your life. As one spiritual teacher said, you could sit on the side of the road for five years and your destiny will still find you. You aren’t missing out on anything.

2. Let go of the feeling that you are “behind, late with something that hasn’t happened yet.” We need to forget all those ETAs for the lover, the baby, the home or the perfect job. This feeling rules our life. Somehow, we, our parents, society snuck in and put these giant deadlines in our calendar without our permission! But, things never happen on the timeline we expect. Some things will come early, some things will be late according to our timetables. The energy we put into trying to speed things up is exhausting. Let it go. Focus on what has happened and see yourself with exactly what you want.

3. Let go of the feeling that “your life isn’t working.” It’s easy at this current time to start stacking all our problems and come to the giant conclusion that our lives aren’t working. We pick at ourselves at different parts of our lives. Maybe it’s our health or relationships and that becomes our black hole. Not only does it suck us in, it sucks in all the parts of our lives that are working. Soon enough we’re wondering why we’re impossibly miserable. But, really, our lives are exactly where we want them to be. Otherwise we would change them. If you want to change yours, then do so to have it work even better, not because your life is all wrong. And I promise you, there are times life will do the changing for you. We all get our fair share of the changes life throws at us. They are all for the better eventually.

4. Let go of the feeling that you aren’t “good enough.” Here is that impossibly high standard again that we set for ourselves. When we are most vulnerable is when we are our most attractive. No one wants a perfect partner or friend. Really. No one wants to work with someone who always gets it all right and all done. Give yourself permission to be human, show that to others and you then give permission to everyone around you to be that as well. Your kids need to see your humanity. Your spouse is craving to see your weaknesses, your vulnerability, so s/he can hold you with gentleness. Let others experience the human side of you, not the resume or the totally in-control person.

5. Let go of the feeling that someone else has more than you do. Power, money, love, happiness. Everyone has something we don’t think we have. So, remember this: Compare and despair. Comparison achieves absolutely nothing. What is that one thing you are always triggered by that someone else has? Put a name on it. What does it represent for you? Remember you are whole and complete without this. I promise you, you have things that others would do anything to have. And remember this, your worst day, your worst year is someone else’s biggest dream.

All of these feelings/triggers act like massive brakes in our lives. The only way to lift the brake is to release these feelings. Bring them out of your “blind spot” and become aware of them when one of these has you under its grip. Notice it, become the witness of what is ruling your life. Suffering is so much more familiar to most of us that the consistent feeling of being happy. The second your mind tries to pull you “back down in the basement,” just become aware of that and gently push the elevator button back up.

Take a moment to print out this list. Or to email it to someone. Or maybe re-read it and ask yourself which is the biggest one for you at this time.

Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on November 8th, 2009 in Global/Social Change | No comments Read related posts in Active acceptance

The Power of a Sincere Apology

Apologies happen—sometimes multiple times a day. We apologize when we unintentionally say something hurtful, when we make a mistake at work, or when we bump into somebody on the street. And then there are the bigger apologies—those we should have addressed months or years ago. Maybe we said something to alienate someone, perhaps we judged too quickly or did something we regret. Saying “I’m sorry” remains one of the hardest things to do. We justify our actions, we present half-apologies, we blame the one we’ve hurt, or we expect something in return. Yet a true apology can clear the air and potentially heal a relationship.

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Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on November 6th, 2009 in Relationships | No comments Read related posts in spiritual living

The Metaphor of the Plate

I’ve been sharing this at many of the recent speaking engagements and workshops I’ve done so I wanted to do it with all with you.

As we go through our lives, we all tend to want to “fill up our plates” with jobs, family, health, money, some passions and hobbies, religion, friends, relationships, dreams and so on.

We compare our plate to other people’s plates. We strive to increase various portions of our plate by setting goals, making New Year’s resolutions. We try to lose weight, make more money, become more spiritual. It seems life is about adding to the all important “plate.” For nearly all of us, what’s on our plate determines who we are.

When life changes, something on our plate has changed. We may lose the “job” component of the plate. Maybe we’ve been dumped, so there’s no more intimate relationship on there. We may not have children yet, so we feel we’re missing the all-so-important “family” portion that the world tells us must be on our plate. We imagine that what’s on our plate protects us. In reality, it is what makes us even more vulnerable.

For some of us, many parts of the plate change at once. We get divorced, may lose a parent, or have a health issue.

So here’s the real question we need to ask. If the plate is what is holding everything we hold dear and important, what is the actual plate? How do we take better care of that?

Instead of us fixing, improving, holding on, clinging to and wanting everything that’s on our plate to be and look a certain way, how about focusing on what holds all of that together?

Our plate is our glue. It’s what and who we are, regardless of anything external. Our plate is our faith, our spirituality, the part of us that can simply say, I AM, with nothing more needed after those words. The part of us that can have everything taken away from us and we will not be defeated. It’s our eternal side, the side that is detached from the drama of anything that’s happening. We focus on “the plate” itself, not what’s on it, or what’s not. We strengthen that, support that. If we do, we will come to see that we are still whole and complete, even when nothing is on our plate—no relationship, no job and no money. Our plate is our essence. We—you, I—exist.

How do we strengthen our plates? By remembering that sometimes we need to take things off our plates, not add to them. By not getting stuck between the extremes of fear and desire, where we yo-yo between them. This is what creates instability on the plate.

We may ask the question “what am I not?” instead of expressing all the things that we are/have. By having some silent time where we can simply “witness” whatever may be going on. By strengthening our relationship with our Creator, whatever we may call that in our words and in whatever way suits us best—prayer, meditation, focusing simply on being loving, going to church and places of worship, retreats, fasting, reading, seeking knowledge, forgiving, finding the right teachers, giving back or simply being in nature.

Remember that at our core, we are all the same. We all get a plate. That gift is our birthright. Somehow we get misled into thinking life is about putting things on it, having more on the plate than others have on theirs. Instead, we should be happy simply to take care of our plates. It will give us perspective on everything that eventually gets on there and anything that may be taken away during times of change and transition. We may realize ourselves away from anything that’s on our plates.

Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on November 2nd, 2009 in Global/Social Change | 3 comments Read related posts in Who we are, Who we aren't

So You Want to Start a Business? Here’s How

I’m speaking at the Maria Shriver Women’s Conference in LA this week. Very exciting. I am honored to have been invited again.
For those who won’t be attending, I wanted to share what I am going to be speaking about. Here are top tips on how to start a business and create change.

1) You must do something you love.
It must be your passion, what you most want to do, the thing that tugs at your heart, no matter what.

This is the only necessity, your reason why you want to start a business. Your intention is what will guide your business. It cannot be about ego, significance, money or something else. It must originate in your heart, in the part of you that knows this is what you must do. Starting a business will reveal so much to you about yourself, life, other people and give you good days and really tough days. And yet the most important factor that will guide you, get you off the couch, put you back on the path is the underlying reason why you wanted to start this business.

2) Find a way to serve, contribute, help other people.
Nowadays, businesses that are sincerely helping others, that have that as one of their core reasons for being, are thriving. Find a way to take away some type of pain from people’s lives. You can do that with any type of business. If you are starting a business to make money, to be a success, to get freedom, know that the bigger driver not only of success but also fulfillment is always including others in your journey. Power moves through those who serve. You will never feel weak or overwhelmed or a failure if you know without a doubt, that you are making a difference with what you do and who you are.

3) Know how your business makes money.
We need to be clear on what the path is to revenue. It doesn’t mean the business is going to make money on Day One. But you do need to know who your customers are, how you are going to rise above the noise and how people will know you exist. If you need to distribute something, know who is the best at doing that, and so on. Also, allow yourself to be flexible. Your business can’t just rely on one source of money, or one big customer or one success factor. Many small businesses find other ways to make money as they get going. Yours can, too.

4) Negotiate everything.
We live in a time where everything is up for discussion. Barter, trade, exchange services, ask for discounts, do whatever it takes to get started or to maintain. It’s cheaper to start a business now than ever before. Everyone needs some business, so whether it’s a logo, legal advice, PR, web design, go with 50% of the quotes people are offering you. Do not fall into the trap of thinking it costs money to get going. Everything is going for cheap now. Make the most of it. And if you don’t have money, look at what you do have and what you can trade. For instance, if you need a web site done, perhaps you can offer for trade editorial or copy help if that’s your skill.

5) Know what to expect.
a) Time. Plan for your business adventure to take at least twice as long as you’d thought. Yes, we all think it’s going to be an easy ride. But it really will take longer than you planned
b) Teamwork. You really are not supposed to know most things. It’s OK and necessary to ask for help and to do so early on. Don;t try to go it alone. There’s no shame in asking any and every question along the way.
c) Mistakes. You are going to make them, tons of them. It’s part of your journey. Fellow entrepreneurs can tell you things, but starting a business is purely experience. You get your own ticket to the party and learn along the way what you need.
d) Friends/Family. Do not ask their permission and do not expect their approval. Very often, pursuing this kind of a change is disruptive for the people around you. They worry. They face their own fears. They don’t relate to you, your choices or your days anymore. Just know this upfront. Continue to love them, of course. Brand new people are coming into your life who are fellow business leaders, dreamers and agents of change.
e) Be a woodpecker. Pick your tree—your idea—and just get up everyday and peck away. Other people may laugh or disapprove. Your beak will hurt at the end of the day and you will never know when your tree will fall. But it does and it will. Stay clear and committed to that tree. It’s each little action, each little chip that makes your business grow. And I can tell you, the days when a tree falls are great days. And they will surprise you. Many times they happen when you want to give up, you’re tired, other people are telling you you’re crazy. And when one tree falls, pick the next one to focus on. Yes, one little bird can make a giant tree fall. One brave woman—and of course man—can change anything in the world. Anything!!

Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on October 25th, 2009 in Career | 2 comments Read related posts in starting a business

The Dalai Lama’s Amazing Proclamation to Women!

His Holiness the Dalai Lama made a proclamation that stunned the crowd at the recent Peace Summit in Vancouver: “The world will be saved by the western woman.” And at Maria Shriver’s Women’s Conference where I will be speaking again this year, they sold an astounding 14,000 tickets in the first 20 minutes after registration opened. The theme is “Women, the Architects of Change.” Something big is stirring among women. And if you’re a guy reading this right now, keep reading! We need you, too, and you all have women you work with or are connected to in some fashion.

Most people I meet have a new fear—the fear of not being relevant, the fear of not making a difference, the fear of working on things that don’t really matter in the important times of transition we live in. We’re hungry to be part of making things better. We want to create, we want to do what we love again and find our voice. We sense intuitively that we have a critical role to play in shaping the future of our world. And yet, so many of us give in to excuses of not being good enough, young enough, smart enough, wealthy enough, creative enough. We still play small, still give in to the “victim” archetype. We still buy into what society’s beliefs are and put them right above our own.

Bu we don’t really have time for these fears. If I could create a vaccine, instead of the flu one, I’d create one against fear. It’s what holds us back, every one of us, in every area of our life. And, while we’re holding back, time just moves on faster than ever. We are at a critical time in the evolution of our planet, a time where each one of us is waking up. We feel it. Our intuition is growing more acute. Our inner microphone, as I like to call it, is getting harder and harder to turn off, so that we can’t just go along with our normal day. There’s a rise in consciousness where we feel more connected to others, a part of something bigger going on, where we each have a role to play. The most important thing isn’t to get the promotion, or stay in the marriage, or lose those 10 pounds. The most important thing is for us to remember who we are—why we are here—to do the inner work and find what are our “spiritual” reasons for being on the planet. Yes we do have something great to accomplish. Now. At any age. Wherever we are.

I am passionate about having us all take back our power, whether it be from our spouses, our jobs, our kids, our parents, our weight, whatever or whomever we lent it to. Ask yourself: To whom have I given my power?

As a fellow change optimist, I also want to share with you an amazing free series called Women on the Edge of Evolution: Awakening to the Power to Co-create our Lives and Shape our Collective Future. This series was created by my dear friends Katherine Woodward Thomas & Claire Zammit. They’ve been working hard with their team for months to bring together the world’s leading female spiritual luminaries, thinkers and agents of change. There’s no catch. We are all really volunteering our time to help anyone face these important questions and be part of a bigger change movement.

Ariane

Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on October 17th, 2009 in Global/Social Change | 3 comments Read related posts in Evolution, Maria Shriver's Women's Conference, women

Qualities of a Change Agent

It seems like more and more people want to give back, volunteer, feel as if their work matters and that they are making a difference. For some, they want to create change in their community, in their school, in the workplace and for others, they want to change something on an even bigger level. This notion of being a “change agent” is open to anyone, at any age, from anywhere. There are no entry requirements. What I have found, however, is that these people do share a certain set of qualities and character traits that they embody. Here are 10 qualities of a change agent.

1) They don’t ask for permission and they don’t seek approval
Being a change agent often means creating something from scratch or doing something that hasn’t been done before. People may question you, say it’s not your nature, be threatened or let you know why it won’t work. So what you can do is to create a healthy boundary and remember you’re not doing this to get approval, but to inspire and manifest change.

2) They are open minded.
Anything is possible for a change agent. You don’t want to cling to being right, to your previous knowledge or experiences. You don’t want to hold on tightly to your identity, what you are or used to be. You do want to start unlearning things you thought were true. It’s better to be open minded than to be right.

3) They think from a standpoint of abundance.
A change agent never starts from scarcity. Yes, there are more jobs, more food, more love, more answers, more health, more relationships, more businesses to be started. The universe is always expanding and so is that of a change agent.

4) They have a support team.
A change agent never feels like they have to do it all alone. They reach out, ask for help, connect with others. They share. They’re vulnerable. They let others know what they need. Change agents are not superwomen or supermen. They all have their go-to team.

5) They are optimistic.
Change Agents have positive beliefs—first about themselves. They don’t play small, little me. They shine their power from within. They have positive beliefs about life, about resilience, inner strength, about life being on their side, conspiring for good, always. They believe in the inherent good of human beings and that change is possible.

6) They have their own beliefs and don’t buy into those of the “tribe.”
Change Agents don’t plug into what everyone thinks and says. They have a unique viewpoint on a situation, what needs to happen and what’s possible. They seek out different sources of information. They question everything. They allow themselves to be different and hence find different ways of solving things.

7) They find time to be silent.
Change Agents are not afraid of going inside—finding their answers within. They trust their intuition above all else. They are connected to a higher part of themselves. They find their peace, tranquility, wisdom by taking time to reflect, contemplate, meditate, write, being in nature….whatever works for them.

8) They take care of themselves.
Change Agents know that to be full, to give, to serve and help, to have energy, they must take care of themselves first. They are healthy. They have rituals that are sacred to them. They respect their body, mind and spirit.

9) They give themselves permission to be human.
Change Agents feel their emotions deeply. They are not afraid of the pain, the sadness, the fear and know these are all part of the journey. They are real, vulnerable, unafraid to show feelings. Their feelings are often the fuel they use to create change.

10) They are connected to something bigger that brings them joy.
Change Agents have a desire to do good, to love and serve others, to be part of something, big or small that can help in some way. Their motivation reaches beyond ego and often rests in their feeling connected to more of a spiritual purpose.

Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on October 5th, 2009 in General, Global/Social Change | 1 comment Read related posts in Change Agents

The Quality of Life Project

My friend Kit Cooper is a successful entrepreneur who started a wonderful movement called The Quality of Life Project.

His mission is to help us all see our lives through the lens not of money or success but of contentedness, happiness, being more conscious of our day-to-day lives. He interviews incredible people who are often very successful but have managed to find a true balance and retain a quality of life. They are healthy. They have authentic relationships. They often have a spiritual path and nearly all of them find great joy in giving, serving, contributing to others in some way.

He is very quickly becoming a library of incredible wisdom and best practices for really having and enjoying a quality-filled, balanced life.

He’s interviewed people from Richard Branson—who kissed me many years ago, but that’s a whole other story—to Jacqueline Novogratz, the founder of the incredible Acumen Fund that helps with micro financing around the world, to Gary Vanderchuck, the legendary social-media expert.

Kit gave me the honor of being interviewed for his project a few weeks ago when I was in L. A. He just posted clips from our interview together. As you will see from the taping, his questions are terrific in getting things out of people. He asked me things like

-What are my daily practices?
-How do I find joy/balance?
-How do I take care of my health and energy?
-What’s my diet?
-What have I learned about relationships?!
-How do I deal with tough times?
-How do I manage my time?

and then other questions about my various perspectives on life.

You will learn the one thing I have next to me at home/work no matter what, what you’d notice if you shadowed me for a day, what I do before every meeting and some tips that really help me never get sick.

I hope you enjoy this. Let me know anything you found interesting, surprising, unexpected. And do check out the other amazing interviews he’s done.

Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on September 26th, 2009 in Global/Social Change | No comments Read related posts in Kit Cooper

The Optimists’ Manifesto

I’ve had the privilege of interviewing thousands of people for my book, The First 30 Days, who are navigating change in their lives. For some it’s a career change or a shift in their relationship, for others it’s a health diagnosis or a change in their finances. And for others, it’s an inspired course of action they are passionately pursuing that can change the world. So, I’ve been able to be the detective, always on the lookout for why some people are good at change and others take “the elevator straight into the basement”! Why do some of us initiate a change and keep going while some of us never get started? I detail 9 principles in my book, The First 30 Days. Please pick up a copy if you haven’t already done so, for yourself or someone you know going through a change.

I am often asked what is the one thing that really makes the difference? While I always think words are limited, if I had to pick one, it would be Optimism. Optimism in the context of creating and navigating change is about a different set of beliefs. It is about once and for all choosing empowering beliefs about ourselves, who we are at our core, how we see our potential rather than what limits us or what our mind has led us to believe for too long. Beliefs that life is on our side, always, no matter what, and that life is conspiring for us, in the direction of our growth. Finally, it is about believing that regardless of whether we are pursuing a change that is ultimately termed “successful” by our society, that something good will come.

Optimism also comes from believing in something bigger, our spiritual essence, a reminder that we have an infinite amount of Grace supporting us if only we fully trust it to be there for us and stop trying to take control. Optimists can navigate the darkness, the uncertainty and find rest and safety in fixing their focus on God, The Divine, Being, Grace, whatever we want to call it. That part never disconnects from us. We are the ones who disconnect. People who are true change agents have always believed in something greater than themselves. They know they are not alone as they journey through life.

When everything around you is changing, look for that part of you that never changes, that is calm, detached, that witnesses your life, that guides you at all times. Busyness is always the one excuse that gets in the way of your connection, and yet, this connection is always the answer you crave. As you step up to become a true architect of change, answers do not come from a full and overwhelmed mind, they come from a peaceful and calm state of being.

Do whatever you can, daily to cultivate this. A yoga class on the weekends doesn’t quite count here. I am talking about daily quiet time, reconnection, prayer, setting intentions, journaling, contemplation, doing nothing, reading, purifying the mind and body. This should be first on the list, not what you get to if and when you have time. Your courage, commitment and passion to create change will have a very different foundation if calmness, presence and optimism is what feeds it every day.

Let me know some of the ways you stay connected, what you do to remain optimistic no matter what, what tools you find that can help others stay on a path of wisdom and higher truth.

Posted by Ariane de Bonvoisin on September 20th, 2009 in Global/Social Change, New Directions | 1 comment Read related posts in optimism