First 30 Days Blog

02 may

Coming Out of Survival: State of Nothing-Ness

WaniManleyState of Nothing-Ness

In the last two years, I’ve been on a path of personal and spiritual growth and development with enlightenment as the end goal. In other words, my understanding at the intellectual level is that this thing called life is just a movie and my entire life is a dream; I’m hell bent on actually seeing this. As I tread this journey, so much has been transformed and shifted in me fundamentally that I don’t recognize “me” anymore. One of my biggest shifts in the past year is that I’ve gone from a person always knowing exactly what I want, how I want it and when I want to a person of indecision and not having a clue at times as to what’s going on with me and what I want. To say the least, this has been very unsettling and quite uncomfortable. As a trained lawyer and groomed to be since age six has not helped matters either to be able to flow in this fluid and nebulous state. And so as I find myself in this fluid state, this state of Nothing-Ness as I call it, I’ve learn to make friends with the principle of “allowing;” that is, accepting things to be just as they are without any resistance. In this state of allowing, for a time period I have found myself directionless with no clear goals, stuck, lost, dazed, confused, just going through the motions, in a thick fog of “I don’t know what to do with my life” that has resulted in flat out paralysis and not doing anything but just “hanging out”; hence, in a state of Nothing-Ness.

Often times when I talk to others that are walking similar paths of growth, they too are stuck, paralyzed with the same classic symptoms in this state of Nothing-ness. With the purest of intentions, they tell me “let it be,” or that “It’s ok,” “Just allow it,” or “We’re all in the same boat.” For awhile, I went with this (but kicking and screaming), yet now, when I hear this, I say “BS; this is not OK.” I get pissed and my blood starts to boil. Why? Because, I know I am underperforming and I am not living up to my fullest potential. I even get more pissed off while in this state when I hear the words of Svami Purna one year ago in my very first retreat with him whereby he stated that “one must dissolve all the questions of what’s happening to you; the suffering, the heartache, disease, birth, house, work, partner, all the little things.” He further stated that “the great task is waiting for you and you get caught in all this low energy stuff,” that we “must resolve this today and this it is not okay not to know.” These words, anchored in my heart have never left me. There isn’t a day that goes by since hearing it where I haven’t contemplated on it. In this state of Nothing-ness, to add fuel to the fire, there’s a whole world out there relatively speaking and it’s as if I’m just straight chillin’ on the sidelines waiting for God knows what to happen for me to show up. The worse thing about it is that I can’t afford to just be chillin’ on the sidelines in this state of Nothing-Ness.

I realized not too long ago that this cycle I have been in whereabout I’ve been wandering without clear goals or direction, was necessary for my personal development and spiritual growth. Yet, lately, with each passing day recently, I am more and more not at ease and so I decided enough already and told the Universe that I wanted out of this state of Nothing-Ness, and I wanted answers right now, as to why I am so stuck as to what to do with this life. I also wanted to know, why, as motivated and determined as I am, do I still feel like the proverbial mouse on the mouse-wheel with my external life looking like its going straight to hell in a hand basket but I’ve got all this overwhelming and resounding presence of Grace in my life. As Svami Purna writes, “fortunate is he who meets a God-realized Being, Blessed is he who is able to learn from that Being.” I happened to have met four and prior to two years ago, I didn’t even know or understand such beings existed and now this is the company I keep. At issue for some time has been what to do with the rest of my life because I realized a long time, it clearly isn’t law as I have no passion for it. I wanted to get in touch with my life’s purpose. And so I went off to find my dharma. Shortly after asking the question, my dharma was delivered to me on a silver platter one night through a vision with step-by-step instructions on how to execute from Svami Purna. However, I am still peddling and tiptoeing with it and haven’t said “yes” to it yet the passion is there for it.

About two weeks ago I was sharing with a friend who is also on a path of inner growth about what was going on with me at the time and about my first experience with hypnosis and past life regression. My friend told me that I must (with emphasis) listen to an audio by Carolyn Myss, Ph.D. (hereinafter “Myss”) called Advanced Energy Anatomy, which she gave me. Until then, I had never heard of Myss who is a big wig in the field of human consciousness. The week before last, after returning from New York for a retreat, I found myself filled with overwhelming emotion and pain felt in my chest never felt before. I had no idea to what I was feeling, why I was feeling it and why it was so overpowering. At best, it felt like there was so much being repressed inside of me and the lid on top of it couldn’t hold it any long. I was constantly doing slow breathing, meditation including meditation by the beach, resting but nothing would make the pain go away. I knew nothing was wrong with me medically. Still I couldn’t quite put my finger on what the emotion was and why I was feeling the way I was. So later that same week, I mentioned it to another friend and she told me to dedicate a day to talk to God to find out what hell was going on with me. I agreed but decided to wait until the weekend.

On Saturday morning, I arose early at 5:00 am to meditate and made the dedication and intention stated above and told the Universe I wanted answers; I was loud and clear that I wanted answers that day. So I carried on with my day in inner retreat, meditation, and silence with the only outside noise streaming into my ears was Myss’ audio, which I had started listening to the day before at the beach. In resuming the audio that Saturday, I did not remember my stopping point. Tired of trying to find out exactly where I had left off exactly, I just picked a random beginning point on CD 4 and pushed the PLAY button on my iPod. As soon as I did, I saw an unmistakable explosive flash of white light go off (and no it wasn’t an electrical explosion) in front of my iPod speaker deck and I knew intuitively it was Angels speaking to me delivering this stern message: “Hey! Pay Attention;” Here comes your answer to all of your questions.” Aside from hearing a choir of angelic voices singing to me once, I had never had any conversation with Angels. Astonished by what I had just experienced, I stopped dead in my tracks what I was doing, which was folding clothes, and sat on my chaise lounge to listen to the audio as if to say my life depended on it. Somehow it felt like it. In this particular audio, Myss was talking about the four archeotypes we all have in our sub-conscious minds that is running our lives on automatic when you feel you’ve lost your power and are in survival with particular emphasis on our work and vocational life. The four archeotypes are 1) the Child; 2) the Victim; 3) the Saboteur; and 4) the Prostitute.

I had randomly selected the part in the audio where Myss was explaining how these archetypes steps in and the interplay between them when one receives a vocational calling upon one’s life such as I had. Towards the end of her discussion Myss gives two examples of two women who received such a calling and the two different responses each one took. Of particular interest was a woman Myss labeled a “Walking Potential.” Myss laid out how this “Walking Potential” received several callings in her life with everything lined up for her, yet each time she would do something to sabotage herself, not proceed and blame others. It was always everybody else’s fault. As I listened, I recognized and identified with this woman known as the “Walking Potential” and the self-sabotaging patterns but rather than blame others, I blame circumstances such lack of money and my mom. To further illustrate, Myss went on to give an account of doing a talk and a women similarly situated as the “Walking Potential,” and the woman came up to Myss and told her Myss she was afraid of success. Myss told the woman how preposterous that is and what a lame excuse this statement and asked the woman for permission to tell her what was really going on with her. The woman consented. Right then and there, I felt intense heat on the back of my neck and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Again, I intuitively knew it was Angels speaking to me and this time the message was, “Here it is kid.”

Myss poignantly told the woman that it wasn’t that she was afraid of success but instead the woman didn’t want the responsibility of what success brings if she were to follow her inner vocation calling . Myss continued that the woman knew that if she took the bait of her vocational calling, her life would be changed forever and changed dramatically, that she’d have to get up and work, do real work, and that she could no longer have the care-free life she had and not having to really work work. Myss stated to the woman “you are afraid of responsibility because if your job did become the least bit successful, what terrifies you is you’d have to change your lifestyle, you’d have to get up early put in more hours, you couldn’t spend that much time on the couch anymore, you’d have to actually work, and she didn’t want to work.” The woman affirmed everything Myss said. Myss elaborated “this woman wanted her mind and fantasies to have a career.” Myss explained to the woman that her “fantasies were employed, which didn’t pay much and you can get high on a fantasy career, imagining what you could, and if you find someone you could blame for not doing what you could do, you’d be semi-employed. Because it’s like saying I’m really talented but if it wasn’t for them you’d see my talent.”

Upon hearing this, it was as if time had stood still. Suddenly, the ground beneath me was gone and everything had fallen away, a curtain had been lifted, a veil, the veil, had dropped. All the overwhelming emotional sensation I had been feeling the past weeks or so, which at this point in the audio was overtaking me to the point I was suffocating from chest pains suddenly just pushed out of my body and was gone with no trace of it whatsoever. I was clear and light as a feather and I felt at least 10 pound lighter. I was like, “OMG, this is me,” “OMG, this is me,” “This is so me.” Tears started to stream down my face and I dropped on all fours. I started to pray thanking God for this revelation. This was huge!!! I saw it as clear as day. I realized, why I hadn’t yet moved fully moved with both feet forward with Coming Out of Survival and what it entailed. I realized I hadn’t yet moved forward because I was afraid of the bigger than life responsibility I anticipate that is going to come with it. I realized being part of a movement takes work, and lots of it and I didn’t want to work that hard anymore. I realized that as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I wanted to drop this whole “Successful Independent Woman” role, which was wearing me out like hell and I just wanted to be taken care of.

My mind started to connect the dots and go down memory lane. I started to go back to the times in meditations where I’d seen bits and pieces of my future before. I’ve seen my book, Coming Out of Survival with Grace in print. I’ve seen myself at book signings with droves of people in line with a copy in hand waiting for me to sign their copy. I’ve seen those that are assigned to my book actually reading it or carrying it in hand. I’ve seen myself speaking to football stadium sized audiences. I’ve seen myself on stage with Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Louise L. Hay, Eckhart Tolle, Ariane de Bonvoisin, and other big wigs in the fields of self-help, spirituality, and consciousness. I then started to recall over the past year how I’ve had visions of some of the most powerful and influential people of our time including Mother Theresa, Ghandi, Dalia Lama, Buddha, Jesus Christ, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Albert Einstein, Oprah, President Barack Obama, President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf and many others. I started to notice these people were all very powerful, influential and was tied to movements that shifted humanity in some way. I thought about the three times in my life where I had been read by a reader and the congruency of one thing all three related to met; that is this lifetime of mine is tied to a leadership and movement involving a shift in humanity. I was also reminded and thought about the our tribal equivalent of what has been said about ever since I was a baby of what I was to do in this life and it all tied together. I thought about all of the influential people in my life that I had met and that were in my life and how they all support this calling, only I didn’t know or realize it until now. I thought about the gravity of it all and given what I had just heard, I thought about the responsibility, the tall order, the accountability, the impact, the influence, undoubtedly, yes, I’d have to do a lot more then show up every day. This whole time, I’d been in the fog, this state of Nothing-ness, there was a part of me that knew this and was running straight for the hills.

In light of the vision for my life of what has been shown to me, there is great plan for to make a difference in this world on a considerable scale, to be a part of the unfoldment of the great task, a movement of something extraordinary, the ultimate even and that is to wake people up. Yet, rather than put my big girl panties on and woman-up, I let the 5 or 6 year old Child in me refuse to grow up and feel afraid all the time; I let the Victim in me refuse to let go of the past and keep crying “poor me;” I let the saboteur in me keep me playing small and creating perpetual existence that keeps me locked into the consciousness and lifestyle of survival; and I let the Prostitute in me keep me pimped the practice of law, all the while feeling unfilled. At last! I finally saw with clear eyes, I am consciously choosing to stay trapped in survival living and why time after time, I continuously keep myself living the way that I am, hiding out behind my “I ‘don’t have the money, or the this or the that,” which I create just to say “I ‘can’t do X or Y” and blame everything else. I clearly see that rather than rise up to the calling to be the powerful being that I am, I’d rather stay stuck in my stories, excuses, or failures because it is easy to fail. It is easy to blame, to cry “poor me,” be a victim, make excuses and get everybody to feel sorry for you, rather than get out there, work and be all that I can be and more, get out of fantasy la-la land. I thought about why I had so much resistance to letting go of this victim identity especially and why lately I keep getting messages through my dreams that indicates that I insist on holding on to the past and don’t want to let go even though a beautiful path is laid before me. After I really saw the big picture from all angles, I remembered the words of a coach, uttered to me once, when she dangled a carrot of the totality of what I just realized now. This coach said to me, “Wani, the most powerful people in the world are not victims. They are powerful beings doing extraordinary things.”

And so, after I ran through all of this, I started to pray the most powerful prayer I’d ever said in my life with the utmost expression of gratitude because I knew I was free. I was finally free. I knew the minute the curtain was lifted and the awareness was in, I was on my way home. You cannot solve a problem if you don’t know what it is. Albert Einstein said it best: “you cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created the problem in the first place.” It was then signed my name on the dotted line and told the Universe I was answering the vocational calling on my life with “Coming Out of Survival.” First things first is the writing of the book, “Coming Out of Survival with Grace”. I then walked over to my computer, and called out to the Angels I knew were surrounding me although I couldn’t actually see them. I said, “I know there is an Angel assigned to me to write this book, where are you? I’m ready to write this book with you now.” Immediately, I felt an unmistakable unseen presence right next to me on the left side of my body. I then told the Angel that anytime I sat down to write whatever distracts me from writing, I wanted it removed. Soon after I started to write, I noticed my wireless connection on my lap top went out. I tried to log onto it but to no avail. I then tried all of the available unsecured networks and there was also no connectivity. I just smiled. Sometime later, I took a break from writing and tried to open up Facebook on my iphone and ofcourse, my iphone was reporting “No Connection to the Internet.” Likewise with Safari. Now isn’t that a coincidence? Then I couldn’t help but to crack up laughing. Ever since my breakthrough I’ve been writing like a mad woman possessed even pulling all-nighters writing and each time I sit down to write, I never have internet access to on my lap top, nor my iphone and my Facebook page is still reporting a case of the “No Connection to the Internet” fever. Incredible!

In conclusion, I share with those that find themselves it the state of Nothing-ness, feeling stuck not knowing what to do with their lives, and I implore you to have an honest conversation with yourself through the lens of the four archeotypes. See in which ways are you the Child that stays afraid and won’t grow up, seeking protection and always wanting attention. Look and see in which ways are you playing and holding onto the Victim in you that refuses to let go of the past and want to keep that hurt identity alive and keep singing that “poor me” song over and over. Look at the choices you make on a daily basis to sabotage yourself that keeps your circumstances perpetual. Pay attention to how even though you may be miserable where you are, see how comfortable you are where you are and how incredibly easy it is to stay where you are. And lastly, watch out for that Prostitute in you that keeps you playing small, devaluing yourself or your services. If you are serious about growth and really want out of the state of Nothing-ness you, you will be amazed. I know all too well that honest self-inquiry is no easy task, but know that life really is on your side and you are never alone. The highest help is always available for you and just wants to pour its love and grace onto you. To quote Wayne Dyer, “if you knew who walked beside you everyday, you could never ever feel you are alone.” Moreover, guidance is always available to you and is constantly streaming and flowing to you and I would have to agree with Myss, if you are facing blocks or bricks along the way, it is you are putting them there.

Coming Out of Survival,

Wani Manly

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Posted by Wani Manly on May 2nd, 2011 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

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