First 30 Days Blog

25 jan

Coming Out of Survival: A Conversation with God

WaniManley13. A Conversation With God

Since walking this path of Enlightenment, Self-Discovery, Personal Development or whatever you want to call it, what fascinates me the most is the very thing that pisses me off the most; that is, having to unlearn everything you’ve ever been taught or believed about life and God, bust through all of your collective conditioning (from this lifetime and past) and to develop new set of beliefs, all while in war with your closest friend the Ego. What’s more, this thing or person we call God, which we fight, kill and discriminate against each other, is really just energy emanating from a sound, of which its pure essence is just Love. Moreover, contrary to popular belief, the only point of a human life is to realize this and to return back to the Source. Until you realize this you keep coming back again and again going through the endless cycle of birth and rebirth. Fascinating. And to think the journey here all began with me wanting just to get rid of chest pains.

As the plot thickens along this path, I am just in awe as with each passing day, more and more truth is revealed. What keeps me shaking my head in disbelief is how religion has shaped and continues to shape our civilization in such error and horror; yet is the worst legalized Ponzi scheme ever orchestrated and perpetuated on humanity. If you think I’ve completely lost it, or am on something, I have three words for you: the Catholic Church. Not to get off script, but since taking this journey, the new core beliefs taking center stage in my life and in the lives of many others that are choosing to wake up, include but are not limited to beliefs at the core of creation including are that you are the Creator, that there is no force bigger than you or outside of you and you are creating all of all your experiences through your thoughts and beliefs have been the biggest pill for me to swallow. Why? We’re talking radical transcendence of the essence of one’s foundation and inner core and beliefs. Like most people, I was taught the God was this larger than life entity that no one ever saw, except through his white-robed long-haired representative Jesus, living high up in the sky somewhere that creates the haves and the have-nots according to whether you are a good or bad.

Over the holidays, I went to Texas to visit my mother and experienced firsthand the meaning of the phrase “if you think you are Enlightened, go home and visit your family”. Truer words were never spoken. This trip also marked the first time of me returning back to church services ever since I started walking the path of Enlightenment. I spent seven days in Texas in which I was in church five out of those seven with my mother and aunt. I was uncomfortable beyond words. Night after night, I sat and listened to all of the rhetoric, the dogma juxtapose to the truth I had come across in the past year silently shaking my head. As my mother’s church is a Nigerian -Liberian church, the sermons spoken by a fiery and gifted female pastor, all hit home on issues affecting our West African community. That is, issues including but not limited to tribal differences, lack, poverty, stagnation, immigration, schooling, economic hardship, and of course, playing medicine or witchcraft. Night after night as I listened to Pastor Esther, a fiery woman of God reminiscent of my Grandmother preach with prophetic words and heal people, I felt an inner rage come alive inside me at this thing or person called God. I also realized that any anger I felt with my mother had been misplaced and whom I was really angry at was God. Each night, I got progressively angrier and angrier until I would eventually one night blow a fuse.

One particular night, as I was sitting in the back of the church, the blueprint of my life’s purpose revealed itself more so than that it had before. I further realized that this journey I now take was not just for me to transcend but instead for the culture I was born into. I realized that my life was marked as a humanitarian in it of the sort to contribute to an awakened civilization with particularly emphasis on the people of Africa. In this moment, I realized the message and significance of one of the first visions I had had when I first started meditating, a vision of me leading and speaking to a stadium-sized number of fellow Africans. I sat in brief astonishment and tuned out the electric preaching by the Pastor only to tune back in moments later when I heard her talking about lack, the consciousness of survival and suffering, topics that seemed to generationally plague our people.

I got angry inside again and thought why and how is it that people of color, and in general, those are the most believers of God and the most religious, are the poorest, the sickest, the most stagnate, and most impoverished and are so generation after generation? I thought hard about the continent of Africa, Black Americans, and impoverished underdeveloped nations all over. I thought about Haiti and at this point, I was fuming inside. I thought how much more can that nation alone sustain and take. I was royally pissed off, and anted answers from God as to insurmountable suffering endured in the world by all people, his people. Energetically, I felt enormously heavy and dense, as if to say I was suddenly carrying the weight of the entire region of Africa, including the weight of my ancestors whom had passed before me and paved the way. In essence, I felt the heavy karma of oppression, slavery and entrapment. I felt the pains of shackles of mental slavery, of which I wanted emancipation.

That night as my mother and I made the long drive home after service, we were listening to a gospel hymn in our tribal dialect about Jesus Christ and all the anger built up inside of me finally spewed out and I started to sob uncontrollably. The tears poured like a tidal wave without any control other than to release something inside me. I literally could not stop crying. I had never cried in such heaviness before and couldn’t explain it. When I finally stopped, it was as if my inner spirit and heart had been cleansed. Something inside me was happening energetically, a re-wiring and cleansing of some sort. I fell asleep in this state and woke up in mass confusion. I was confused over whether the path of religion was the way or the path of truth. My conditioning was taking over and I began to embrace my Christian beliefs, but I was still angry at God. For about a day or so, I refused to pray, bless my food, meditate, set intentions or do anything that connects me to God. I remained defiant and for about a day or so and then I decided it was time to have a conversation with God.

I prayed to God expressing my anger and rage. I had a whole list of laundry items I was fuming about, wanted answers and solutions. I told him that I felt he had not kept up with his end of the bargain as to my life and the lives of so many others and how that was whole game called creation was just not funny in the least bit. I expressed that for lifetimes, we’re taught one thing and circumstances shows up in one’s life leading them to the truth about God and God says to you, “Now you know this is one big game, let’s really play. Whatever is happening out there for you, you are creating it, all of it, including the wars, the diseases, the hunger, and the lack, all of it. It all starts and ends with you. You are the Alpha and the Omega. Oh, and by the way, you have to unlearn everything you’ve ever learned….in every lifetime while battling the noose in your head call the Ego.” I also expressed anger to God of how even since walking this path, my life in this new space of the unknown seemingly as taken a nose-dive in the last several months; yet, I’m suppose to be convincing others to walk this journey along with me.

To say the least, I felt as if the Earth had moved from underneath me. Eventually, I would speak to my Life Mastery Coach and Trainer also walking this journey whose committed to an awakened and enlightened civilization. My Coach, a medical doctor and humanitarian herself in her own right who for years served alongside Mother Theresa would eventually help me sort some out of my misaligned beliefs about God, religion, and the path. As the days passed, all the emotional energy would pass through and I eventually I told my mother, I had had enough church; and was going back to my own version of church in stillness and meditation. Remembering the awareness of my life’s purpose as it had clearly been laid out before me, I began to write about my experience, re-write my life’s mission and coming to peace with God, in turn myself. I still struggle to come into complete acceptance of the truth of what God is and find myself repeatedly setting the intention several times a day that I am the Creator and I am creating all of my experiences. With this intention, I put my attention on becoming aligned with this belief because you will never be able to take command of your life and create a beautiful life so long as you have misaligned beliefs within you. With this said, I sojourn on to gain mastery over my life and command my consciousness to deliberately create the life I prefer and to let go and stop creating the things that I do not prefer in my life.

Wani Iris Manly

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Posted by Wani Manly on January 25th, 2011 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

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