Archive for 2010

Your “Half-Empty” Perspective Is Killing You

Attitude – it defines us. I remember working with a colleague who was chronically pessimistic. Whatever was said, he always found the negative. If it were a nice day, he would comment how bad weather was due. If we had success in the workplace, it was a matter of time before something failed. I chose to see the glass half full; he chose to see the glass half empty. I focused on gain, success, optimism and possibility; he focused on loss, failure, pessimism and shortage. He was a chronic downer; a vortex of negative energy. He was, however, a life lesson.

I wasn’t always optimistic. My background, like for many, taught me life was difficult; good will always be offset by bad – as if there were some required life balance of pain and pleasure. It was this colleague, however, who introduced me to seeing the negative and positive attributes in our responses, and noticing how they made me feel. His perspective reminded me of how brief life is and by focusing on the negative instead of the positive was a waste of time.

This started my interest in researching the impact of a positive attitude not only on a person’s success but on his physical and metal wellbeing. Dr. Esther Sternberg’s states in her book, The Balance Within, The Science Connecting Health and Emotions, “Perhaps if we could relearn a new set of associations, turn negative into positive, we could in some sense consciously control our health.” She continues, “The more optimistic the person, the less an event was perceived as stressful, the more robust were their immune-cell responses.” There is a direct correlation between positive emotions and a strong immune system.

This is further explained in Dr. Robert Sapolsky’s book, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. He presents when we are in periods of calm, our body’s systems work as they should – the heart slows allowing normal blood flow to all of the routine life systems – digestive, circulatory, excretory, reproductive. We maintain our bodies internally – we stay healthy.

However, when we encounter an event (including an emotion) that activates our fight-or-flight mechanism, different biological functions respond. Blood is called from the maintenance systems and is now directed to organs that will increase our ability to survive (blood vessels are constricted raising the speed and force of the heart’s contraction, widening air passages to the lungs, dilating the pupils for increased perception, releasing glucose into the blood for quick energy, and shifting blood from the intestinal tract to the heart and muscles – paraphrased from How We Live by Sherwin Nuland). This reaction suppresses our immune system; if sustained, this impacts our health.

It is important to note is that a negative attitude can activate the fight-or-flight response. So the office downer, the family curmudgeon, or the negative energy friend – those who are constantly focused on the “half-empty” perspective – live in a perpetual state of fight or flight. This activates the fight-or-flight systems and suppresses the immune system. Being a cynic, grump or pessimist is bad for your health.

This ties in directly with Ariane de Bonvoisin’s first principle of successfully handling change, “People who successfully navigate change have positive beliefs.” This positivity activates your health, your greater thinking and stronger positive emotions. Positivity and optimism actually create a healthier life.

Positive beliefs come from you – you may not be able to control the things that happen to you but you can control how you respond to them. You can choose to see “half-full” – upbeat, optimistic and confident – or “half-empty” – down, pessimistic and unsure.

Consider these ways to build a more positive perspective:

1. Notice when you become negative and immediately focus on something positive. Have others help you see your behavior.
2. Read a power quote or an inspirational passage to start your day on a positive tone.
3. Create an upbeat “break” during the day. Focus on 3 things that have gone well. Celebrate them. I like to use a “what went well today” list.
4. Choose your friends wisely; associate with positive and confident people.

To make the point, here are some great half-empty/half-full perspectives from the website www.businessballs.com.

• The project manager/engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
• The bar fly says is not about whether the glass is half full or half empty, it’s about who is paying for the next round.
• The consultant says let’s examine the question, prepare a strategy for an answer, and all for a daily rate of…
• The worrier frets that the remaining half will evaporate by tomorrow.
• The fanatic thinks the glass is completely full, even though it isn’t.
• The entrepreneur sees the glass as undervalued by half its potential.
• The computer specialist says that next year the glass capacity will double and will cost half the price.
• The Buddhist says don’t worry, remember the glass is already broken.
• The personal coach knows that the glass goes from full to empty depending on the circumstances, and reminds the drinker that he can always fill the glass when he wishes.
• The grammarian says that while the terms half-full and half-empty are colloquially acceptable the glass can technically be neither since both full and empty are absolute states and therefore are incapable of being halved or modified in any way.

You control your attitude. Know yourself; choose to be positive and upbeat. It is great for your happiness and your health.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual and the on-line resource, Stand Out and Get Hired. He is working on his new book, Work Strong, Live Stronger. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to live fired up! More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on March 7th, 2010 in Ariane, Career, Family, General, Health, Personal Stories, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in fight or flight, Health, negativity, optimism, positive attitude, positivity, sapolsky, sternberg

Who Do You Think You Are?

Sometimes when I’m about to take a big risk, go for something important, or “step out” in a bold way in my life, I notice the judgmental question, “Who do you think you are?, will pop up in my head. Does this ever happen to you?

This is one of the many ways that the feelings of “not good enough” or “unworthy” show up in our lives and get in the way of our success, fulfillment, and authenticity. Sadly, as most of us know, this question doesn’t come from our true self; it comes from our “Gremlin” – that little monster in our head whose only job is to keep us out of perceived danger. The more we listen to our Gremlin, the more allow him or her to sabotage our life.

However, this question, “Who do you think you are?, while often asked in a negative, critical way and something that we allow to stop us from doing, saying, and going for important things in life – is also a very important question for us to ask and answer honestly. When we look at it on deeper level, we see that our answer to this question has a lot to do with how we experience life, in general.

How life is for us has a lot less to do with our circumstances or situations, and much more to do with how we relate to them and ultimately the thoughts we have. Some of the most powerful thoughts we think and the ones that have the most impact on us are the thoughts we have about ourselves (i.e. who we think we are).

Each of us has a “story” about ourselves and our lives. These stories are often dramatic, funny, scary, inspiring, sad, intense, boring, enjoyable, tragic, and more (usually a combination of many of these things). In most cases, the story we have about ourselves changes a bit – depending on how we’re feeling about life and ourselves at any given time.

One of the things we sometimes forget, however, is that we’re the author of the story of our life – not simply the main character. We often think that our story has to do with all of the things that have “happened” to us, the qualities we were born with or have cultivated, the stuff we’ve done or haven’t done yet, etc. But, when we remember that our story is a function of our thoughts, most specifically the thoughts we have about ourselves, we can be empowered to consciously transform not just our “story,” but our life as a whole.

Here are a few things to think about and do to enhance your thoughts about yourself, and therefore enhance your experience of life:

1) Notice when your feelings of “not good enough” or “unworthy” show up – In other words, pay attention to when the question, “Who do you think you are?” stops you in your tracks and takes you out of the game of your life. As we’re able to notice this, be honest about, and have some compassion for ourselves, we can take our power back from our Gremlin in those moments and step more fully into who we really are.

2) Ask yourself more deeply, “Who do you think you are?” – Go deeper with this question, beyond the judgment and really inquiry into how you relate to yourself. What’s your story? The more honest we can be about the story we have about ourselves, the easier it is for us to acknowledge it, own it, and ultimately change it. Remember, these stories are not “true,” they are simply our interpretations, judgments, and beliefs. We created them, so we have the power to transform them at any time.

3) Upgrade your “story” about yourself – In the specific areas of your life where your story is not empowering, inspiring, or fulfilling – see if you’re willing and able to “upgrade” it in an authentic way. This basically means we change our thoughts, words, and feelings about it, genuinely. Because we often get so attached to our stories and tend to defend them passionately, this “upgrading” process can be challenging for many of us. It sometimes takes support, feedback, and coaching from others in order for us to move beyond our story and remember that we have the power to upgrade it whenever we’re ready.

Who we think we are is one of the most foundational aspects of how we relate to life and ourselves. As Henry Ford said in his famous quote, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” This simple quote is so wise and profound. And, whether we think we’re great or we’re not, we’re always “right” – it’s a function of who we truly think we are.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

Posted by Mike Robbins on March 6th, 2010 in General, New Directions | 1 comment Read related posts in appreciation, authenticity, gratitude, honesty, Mike Robbins, motivational speaker, self help

Your life priorities can guide you in your choices about your personal style

Creating a polished and successful image goes a lot deeper than outward appearances. Something happens when you put on the perfect clothes for your body type, coloring and lifestyle. As a stylist, I witness client transformations and success first hand as they learn how to redefine their outward image. Here is an example of someone who knew instinctively that it was time to make change.

A dot.com client was in the process of launching his new venture and also searching for companionship and love. After spending several months in the isolation of product creation, it was time for him to step out into the world and unveil his product and himself as a successful entrepreneur. Mike wanted to create an image that reflected how he now perceived himself and his new venture. He was, in essence, redefining himself as a confident professional and self-sufficient entrepreneur.

After clearing out his old wardrobe and making room for the new, he began learning what to he could wear to portray his new image and lifestyle. After learning to apply the principles we had discussed during our image sessions, he wrote,

“I realized I had . . . been wasting gobs of money on clothes that weren’t making me look better. Not only do I now have a wardrobe full of clothes that are flattering, I also have the knowledge to make more savvy purchases . . . [and] my new girlfriend (who was a runway model for Ralph Lauren) has complimented me on my fashion sense more than once.”

For Mike, wearing the right clothes went deeper than just looking good and saving money. His wardrobe has bolstered his confidence and given him courage to pursue his dreams with no holds barred. Who wouldn’t want to proclaim that his girlfriend was a model for Ralph Lauren? With the right wardrobe and understanding a few basic principles about how to dress to enhance his image, he now has the confidence to present himself and his new business boldly to the world.

What is the life that you wish to create? Do you want to be physically fit or more successful? Maybe your goal is to find a life partner or become more adventuresome? Get clear on the current top priorities for your life. These will guide you in your choices about your personal style.

This is an excerpt from the new book How to Master Your Muck.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Kathi Burns on March 2nd, 2010 in Career, New Directions, Personal Stories, Things We Love, Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in clothes, image, men, persona, personal, personal growth, personal improvement, priorities, style, vlotjing, wardrobe

The clothes you wear can sabotage or support what you want to create in your life.

I agree with Nick Arrojo’s comments on February 18th about the subtle effects on your life regarding how you present yourself to the world.

Your image is created by your thoughts and feelings about yourself. If you have never taken the time to pause and figure out how you feel about yourself and how you want to be viewed by the world, it will be reflected in your wardrobe. The clothes you wear can sabotage or support what you want to create in your life.

Clothes not only reflect how we feel about ourselves, they also impact how others react to us. Whether you are a man or a woman, you are judged by the clothes that you wear. This is a reality. The power of a first impression is real and not disappearing anytime soon. This might seem cruel and unreasonable until you realize why this happens.

We don’t make quick character judgments because we are malicious. We do it because it is one of our most primal instincts, self-protection. We are programmed to determine as quickly as possible whether the person next to us is trustworthy, or if we should take a flight-or-fight stance. We simply rely on visual clues to determine whether we are safe.

During this instinctive process, we can’t help but make other judgments about professionalism, financial status and personality. Knowing this, it makes sense that we should try to appear as polished as possible. It is not a secret that a successful and positive personal image is a direct result of the clothes we wear.

Creating a successful image goes a lot deeper than outward appearances. Clothes change the way we view ourselves. Think about your wardrobe for a minute. Almost everyone has a lucky piece of clothing. When we wear that item our attitude throughout the day is more self-assured. That is why we really enjoy wearing our “lucky” outfits. We feel happier and more successful. With the proper elements in your wardrobe, you will feel empowered every day as you get dressed and head out into the world.

This is an excerpt from Kathi’s book, How to Master Your Muck.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Kathi Burns on March 2nd, 2010 in Career, General, New Directions, Things We Love, Uncategorized | 1 comment Read related posts in body image, change, clothes, image, Nick Arrojo, power, success, wardrobe

Our Cranky Critic

Self-Talk & Public Speaking: What One Reveals About the Other

The stories we make up about ourselves will either support us or derail us. And most of us are masters of enabling our Cranky Critic—you know, the one who lives inside our head and stomps on our dreams. Our Cranky Critic always sounds as if she has woken up on the wrong side of bed, murmuring sweet nothings, such as:

“I’m not smart enough.”

“I’m not slim enough.”

“I can’t cope anymore.”

“I’ll never be good at ________.”

“I’ll never make enough money.”

“I can’t pursue my dreams because ________.”

“Life is not meant to give us pleasure.”

“My duties prevent me from ________.”

The list is infinite. And the important mantra here is to keep reminding yourself that, indeed, these offerings are “sweet NOTHINGS!” Remember, too, that none of these complaints, excuses, facts hold any weight when we decide that this negative self-talk serves no one—least of all ourselves. Yes, I said decide.

For the attitudes we hold are choices. They may not always feel like choices because some of them have been ingrained since early childhood, and so we think we were born feeling this way. Some have been adopted as we rub up against the world and see that we fall short when compared to those whose life seems easy. But know that how we see the world, how we interact with others, how we cope with what life throws our way are all in our control. And that control is to be found in the stories that we circulate in our head and in our heart.

The stories that we tell ourselves—both positive and negative—will seep out in our interactions with others. And this applies whether we are speaking to one, to several, or to a room full of people. To illustrate my point, consider this:

Have you ever met someone, even briefly, and felt an ease, a genuine connection with that person for no reason at all? And conversely, have you ever met someone and been immediately turned off by their presence? In either case, your reaction may not have had anything to do with what the person said but rather with how that person felt to you. The feeling within is what gets projected without—usually inadvertently. So, if you left that interaction not feeling good around that person, chances are that person did not feel good about himself.

A fable from the East tells of an emperor and a Zen monk who came face to face for the first time. The emperor ruled over a kingdom that practiced Buddhism and the monk was eager to meet with him, looking forward to sharing tales of enlightenment.

But when they met, the emperor decided to test the monk by saying to him: “When you look at me, what do you see?”

“I see a Buddha,” answered the monk. And what do you see when you look at me?”

“I see a pig!” countered the emperor. Waiting to see the monk’s reaction, he said no more.

The monk pondered for a moment, then said: “A Buddha sees a Buddha; a pig sees a pig!”

In the West, we speak of projection. We blame others for what is not right within ourselves. We complain about outer conditions when it is really the inner state that pains us. This is especially true when we contemplate any form of speaking in public. We are certain we will look foolish; forget what we want to say; reveal our inadequacies; the audience will see through us; they will be bored. And on, and on, and on . . . . This is the home turf of our Cranky Critic!

The fact is: NO audience shows up wishing to be bored. No one is out to get us. No one wishes us to fail and embarrass ourselves. They dread our worst nightmares as much as we do. They show up wanting to be engaged; wanting to be entertained; wanting to like us; wanting to be inspired.

What is required of us as speakers is not necessarily to be brilliant, articulate, and commanding: what is required of us is to be real, authentic, genuine. It is our humanity that connects us to those listening, not our brilliance. It is our joy and our passion that persuade, not our erudition. It is when we are having a good time that our audience has a good time, too. This seems so obvious when stated explicitly. Why then do we have such a hard time believing it? (The Cranky Critic strikes again!)

The Cranky Critic perched on our shoulder, nay saying our dreams, creates a groove: and as this groove gets deeper, it becomes a bad habit—for some, an addiction. Bad habits keep us focused on our shortcomings and not our strengths. We are used to thinking negatively. It becomes our default position. And so I say to you, “If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got!”

Allow yourself to shuffle your thoughts around. Think instead of what excites you, what you love, what gets your juices flowing. Share that with your audience. Make your topic something you love, think of your audience as someone you love. Then it is inevitable: they will love you back. For you always get back what you put out.

In sum, passion conquers all: it will squelch the cranky critic, choking him off before he can open his mouth. Passion will stifle him just as he has stifled your dreams. When you allow your passion to speak, you produce such positive energy in yourself that those around you cannot help but be affected. Joy is contagious. So too, negativity. Think of your internal self-talk as a virus: you can infect others with your passion or your doubts.

The choice really is yours. Your own decision to pursue your passion is step one. But then follows the work (or should I say play). Being passionate about your message is mandatory, but so is a theme, and a point. Passion has a tendency to ramble; a talk needs to be designed. It needs to feel comfortable to the ear—not the eye. The good news is that once you have tapped into your passion, the rest falls into place naturally. I have seen this over and over again in my clients.

So the best advice I can offer you is to bury your own Cranky Critic. Whenever you hear those old, familiar tapes start to play, say to him: “Thank you for sharing. But I have other things to do right now.”

Your critic will not enjoy being brushed aside and perhaps will clamor for more attention. But as with any stubborn child, stick to your position—even if Cranky Critic throws a temper tantrum. You will substitute a new habit for the old. The groove will be filled by joy, not fear. The joy will propel you forward, faster and faster, and before long, Cranky Critic will be left in the dust with no place to live.

By Saskia Shakin
Author, More Than Words Can Say: The Making of Inspired Speakers
www.TheKeynoteCoach.com

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Saskia Shakin on March 1st, 2010 in New Directions | No comments

Memories at the Speed of Life

My oldest daughter is getting married in May. The preparation has been both all consuming but well organized and really without much worry. This will be a great day. Two great families are coming to celebrate the connection of the next generation. They love our daughter; we love their son. All is good.

I know I am not the first to go through this, even in my family. But I find myself going through a new round of emotions and thoughts as I get ready to pass the baton again. Let me explain.

When the kids graduate from high school, we talk about the ceremonial “passing of the baton” – passing the reins of life over to its real owner. We say, “We have done everything we can think of to show you how big the world is and to help you know yourself well enough to know your place in the world. It is time for you to take the baton and run – to do the things you are called to do and to own every aspect of your life. We move from center stage to stage right – and you move to center stage. This is your life and we want it to be extraordinary. That is now your choice.”

They take the “baton” and first wobble. But soon they find their legs and learn to navigate their lives. Some decisions are good, some not so good. But that is what is involved in being human. We coach from the side – we realize the true owner of the life is now in charge.

But now I face the second passing of the “baton.” The last name that my daughter has carried for 23 years – our last name – will now be passed to make room for a new name. And this is right – this is the new partnership. She moves from one family to create a new one. She again is moving through life. I know that as I pass this baton – my daughter and her life – I am passing it to someone who willingly and completely accepts it. My daughter and her husband will learn to walk, run and dance together as they build their life and their memories.

I was reminded of all this as I looked at the wedding invitation. I was struck not only by the concept of having a son-in-law (who we think the world of), but that just a day or so ago – or so it seemed – this little girl was in kindergarten, in plays, riding bikes and playing with Barbie. Life is a blur as it moves in large blocks of time – pulled by kids activities, school and work. Memories at the speed of life.

I remember very specific events about each day in her life and am now flabbergasted that these events were as distant as 20 years. The bruises, cuts and scrapes; the bruised hearts and trials of dating. The sports, homework and drama of high school. The parties with cousins, families and friends. The driver’s license, new freedom and going away to college. The introduction to a serious boyfriend who is now a fiancé, and the first check needed for the reception! All of it. Memories at the speed of life.

For perspective I looked to my dad – and how he managed my movement through life and those of my five siblings. He still remembers so many of our lives’ events. He shows us pictures of when we were young – pictures we feel should be burned – but pictures that freeze in time a look, an event, an expression…a feeling. He smiles as his tired eyes look at them. They are treasures. I don’t know how often he looks at them but based on his expression, I imagine it is often. Memories at the speed of life.

Memories create the threads that are woven into the tapestries that are our lives. Some tapestries are rich, filled with colors, textures and of great size. Others are smaller and less vivid. Our choice.

Thinking about my daughter’s upcoming wedding reminds me to keep my tapestry growing, expanding and adding more color. Weave your tapestry by:

1. Slowing life down to really notice who and what is around you; notice everything; choose to be present.
2. Creating time each week to “memory-build;” share stories, go to places, take pictures, do the unexpected.
3. Creating a “memory box.” Collect pictures, objects, writings, etc. and save them in the box. Once a week, have family members take out one of the objects at random and tell what they remember about it.
4. Creating your “family thing.” Ours was we told progressive stories in the car. Each child would add to a story started by the parents, or had to provide a sound effect on cue during a story. What could be your “family thing?”

Memories at the speed of life – they fuel our emotions, they feed our souls.

My eldest daughter: a child, a teenager, an adult, and soon a wife. The time sure flew by. But I remember every stage – I have a tapestry of her life, and those of her two sisters. And when I think of this I have the same smile and tired eyes I see in my dad. I think I know what he feels. And it is a great thing.

Jay Forte is a motivational speaker and performance consultant. He is the author of Fire Up! Your Employees and Smoke Your Competition, The Hunt for Opportunities Success Manual and the on-line resource, Stand Out and Get Hired. He is working on his new book, Work Strong, Live Stronger. He works to connect people to their talents and passions to live fired up! More information at www.LiveFiredUp.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Jay Forte on February 28th, 2010 in Family, General, New Directions, Personal Stories, Relationships, Teens, Things We Love | 2 comments Read related posts in build memories, building memories, daughters, love life, own your life, speed of life, weddings

Life Is a Love Affair

Life is meant to be a love affair, an actual love affair. Life, as it truly is, is in fact, a love affair. Now you can choose whether to experience life as such, whether to join in the dance. But no matter what, life itself always remains a true love affair, an intimate dance in each and every moment.

Every desire for love, every desire to love, is simply the longing within you to experience the reality of life, the truth of what you are. Your longing for love is your longing to know and experience yourself as the love that you are in reality.

Each and every human experience of love is designed for the sole purpose of showing you what you truly are; it is designed to illumine the nature of you true beauty.

The mistake that people make is thinking that love comes from some particular experience and is dependent on a particular experience. The human mind creates the illusion that love comes from an experience or an interaction with a particular object.

In reality, love is inherent in every experience. Love is what is actually happening in every experience. Most people miss this because they think of love as a feeling; they think of love as something that comes and goes. But true love is the very ground of existence. It cannot come and go because it simply IS. Love is what is in every experience. Whether your experience is pleasurable or painful, good or bad, friendly or unfriendly, what is happening is still love.

This may sound like a tall claim, an extreme claim, even an impossible claim. But if you think about it, even for a moment, you will discover that it can be no other way.

You do not exist as a separate individual but exist only in communion with the entire cosmos. You are appearing as what you perceive of as “you,” as a particular body-mind. But in essence, “you” has no independent existence at all. You are the same as the flowers, as the dirt, as the air, as your friends, as your lover, as your cat, as your dog. You are the same essence.

As you realize and experience this, every interaction becomes a kiss; every interaction becomes intimate. When you are open, when you are available, every experience is a kiss from the divine in its myriad forms.

1. When you walk through the park, notice the trees, the flowers, the ocean – they all stop to smile, wave, and embrace you, if given half the chance.

2. Instead of judging your body for its perceived flaws and imperfections, practice dropping into it and fully experiencing it. Your body is always alive with love.

3. In every interaction, whether with pleasant or unpleasant, let yourself experience the love that is underneath the pleasure or the pain.

Love is what is happening all the time. Simply let life love you. That is what it is designed to do, if given half the chance.

So instead of thinking that love comes from a particular experience, use every experience where you feel love to remind yourself of what is already and always the case.

When you experience a moment of love, a hug from a friend, an embrace with your lover, a smile on a child’s face, let that remind you of the love that is always there, always available, all the time. Use that experience to remind you that life is love happening, and you are an intrinsic, indispensable, an exquisitely beautiful part of the cosmic love affair.

Sarah Maria, author of Love Your Body, Love Your Life, outlines her 5-step process for helping you feel great in and about your body. Her work embraces the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, for true, lasting healing. Purchase your copy and begin to love your body today. Visit: www.sarahmaria.com or for more about Sarah Maria’s work, please visit: www.breakfreebeauty.com.

If you felt moved, inspired, touched, helped, annoyed, or anything after reading this, please let us know. Our wonderful bloggers really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s super easy and takes a minute. Click on comments below.

Posted by Sarah Maria on February 28th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in healthy living and body image, love your body, loving yourself, self-esteem and body image

Recognize the Beauty Within

Recently a woman contacted me who is studying journalism in her third year at university in England. She is writing a paper on facial disfiguration and asked if I could answer some questions as a body-image expert. Below are the answers to her questions. These answers will be helpful for whatever struggles you might be encountering in your life. Please enjoy.

Know this: whatever your physical appearance, you are beautiful. You can consider this to be a nice idea, but I guarantee it is the absolute truth. If you believe yourself to have imperfections, whatever form they take, please use the questions and answers below to help you let go of those false ideas and beliefs that prevent you from experiencing the beauty that you are. Because the experience of that beauty is the only beauty worth having.

Question: What exactly does your role as a Body-Image Coach mean? i.e. In general terms what is it that you do?

Being a body-image coach simply means that I facilitate people’s coming to love and accept their bodies and themselves. In a very real sense, I do nothing. I simply facilitate the natural process that is taking place within people. Within each individual is an intrinsic knowing, an intrinsic wisdom, that can best be described as love. This love longs to express itself, to our own selves, as well as to others. Unfortunately, very few people know how to access this natural love and allow it to unfold. As a body-image coach, I simply facilitate this unfolding. I help people connect with this beauty, perfection, love, and wisdom that is already inside of themselves, seeking expression. So perhaps the best word to describe my role is simply that of facilitator.

Question: What are your views on our societies obsession with being ‘beautiful’? How would you classify being beautiful?

My view is that everything in life is a gift, including that which seems horrible, awful, and incomprehensible. The only key factor is the individual – are you, meaning the individual, willing and able to view everything that you experience as a gift? This certainly does not mean that everything is enjoyable, or that pain or suffering should be endorsed or allowed, but it does mean that in each moment, you have a choice. A Course in Miracles states that every moment is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. Another way to say this same thing is “in every moment, you can make a choice between seeing life as a gift or a curse.”

So how is this relevant to society’s obsession with being beautiful? If you suffer from negative feelings about yourself and your appearance, it is easy to blame society. And yes, societies views on beauty are unequivocally limited, deficient, and utterly misleading. As an individual, however, you can use society’s limited perception of beauty to your advantage. You can use it to help you discover and experience your own inherent beauty and perfection.

Here is an example of how this might work:

1. Let’s say you have internalized the mainstream culture’s messages about beauty. You believe that you do not fit this standard, and are thus deficient your lacking in some way. Simply notice this.

2. Then realize that this is complete and utter nonsense. Realize that you were born absolutely perfect, inherently beautiful, and you will remain that way forever. Beauty is not something that you achieve because you look a certain way. Beauty is an attribute of your existence. You were born with it, and it always remains.

3. Whenever you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, feeling like you are not beautiful enough, remind yourself that this is an illusion. This is simply the result of growing up in a society that cannot recognize beauty and is completely deluded regarding the whole topic.

4. Every time you remind yourself of this truth, and let go of the thoughts, beliefs, and feelings that keep you from this truth, the closer you will come to seeing and experience the beauty that is always there. True beauty is nothing that you achieve; it is simply something that you learn to see.

Being beautiful is simply being you. It is being you in all your dimensions, in all your aspects, in the very rawness of your humanity. Some days you might be well put-together; other days you might be falling apart. Some days you might radiate health, other days you might be beset by illness. Both are equally beautiful. It is only the mind that divides, saying one is beautiful and the other is not. In reality, there is only one beauty, and you are that.

Question: Do you feel that it is unhealthy for young women to be growing up in an environment where such an emphasis is placed on image and looks?

This depends. Would it be nice if we lived in a culture that honored everyone’s uniqueness and intrinsic beauty? Absolutely. The only way to create this society, however, is to start with each individual. Learn to recognize beauty within yourself; learn to recognize beauty within everyone and everything else. It is only by changing each individual, one-by-one, that a new society will be created that is simply an expression of these individuals steeped in beauty.

In the meantime, since we do live in a society that has a distorted view of beauty, take complete responsibility for transforming yourself. If you are a parent, raise your children so that they know what true beauty is. Teach them to see the beauty in everyone and everything. As an individual, whatever your condition in life, commit unwaveringly to knowing and experiencing your inherent beauty. As you come to know your own beauty, you will become a beacon of beauty that radiates beauty ceaselessly, slowly transforming the culture into one that is more supportive.

Question: I have read on your website that you once struggled with body loathing. How did you get through this tough time? What advice would you offer to others in this situation?

My struggle with body loathing, and the healing process, was a process. It did not happen overnight. But it did happen. And this is the most important thing for people to hear. Freedom from body-loathing, freedom from self-hatred, freedom from suffering and un-lovability, is completely possible. It only requires a willingness for it to end. It might sound odd, but this willingness usually grows over time.

The most important things is helping me to heal were professional help, yoga, and meditation. I, myself, suffered for way too long without seeking professional help. This is why I work as a body-image coach, to help people who are struggling. There are also many competent therapists and healers. The most important thing is to seek qualified professional help as soon as possible.

Equally important is learning to listen to your true self. By the time people have reached adolescence, most people have forgotten how to listen to their own intuitive guidance. Each person has a reservoir of wisdom inside of themselves. It is simply a matter of learning to listen to and follow this guidance.

Two great ways to learn how to access your inner-intelligence are through yoga and meditation. Yoga can help you to become aware of and in tune with your body. Your body has an incomprehensible amount of intelligence if you simply learn how to listen to it. Yoga can help you create a collaborative relationship with your body.

Meditation is also a critical component of healing. I cannot stress the benefits of meditation enough. Simply practicing meditation on a regular basis helps to cleanse the mind of the negative delusions and beliefs that plague so many people. If you are caught in a pattern of disliking your body and yourself, you are living with painful illusions. Meditation will begin to uproot the lies you are living with and help you begin to see and experience your inherent beauty and perfection.

Question: Obviously for people suffering from facial disfigurements and birthmarks it is not so easy to physically change their appearance. How would your five-step process to love your body and your life help them?

Changing your physical appearance is not an essential part of accepting and making peace with your body and yourself. As a matter of fact, changing your appearance can sometimes be a hindrance to this process of acceptance. This is not always the case, but it certainly can be.

The five-step process outlined in Love Your Body, Love Your Life, is a process designed to help people move from disliking their bodies and themselves, whatever the reason may be, to acceptance, and then to love. My work is not about helping people change their appearance per se. For people who want to lose weight or improve their health, this may very well come about as a by-product of loving and accepting themselves, but it is not the point of the work. The point of the work is to help people love and accept what is, and from that place of love and acceptance, anything is possible.

Question: Do you think that young women suffering from facial disfigurations would be more accepting of themselves if there was more awareness of this issue, and people with the condition were being seen in the media, for example in ad campaigns?

If by more awareness you mean that there was more awareness of what true beauty is then, yes, I do think that more awareness would result in people accepting themselves more. The key is that people become aware of what beauty is.

Beauty is not something you achieve because you look a certain way, have certain facial features, appear blemish free, whatever ideas people have about beauty. Beauty is not what you think it is. Beauty is an attribute of existence itself. You were born beautiful. Whether you were born with facial disfigurations or born as a soon-to-be super model simply does not matter. I know this runs contrary to everything people have been taught to believe. This is what I mean about needing more awareness about what is truly beautiful. Every single person is beautiful because it is an essential attribute of existence, and a rose is no more beautiful than a tulip, then a daisy. All are unique; each one is beautiful.

If our media, advertisements, etc. begin to reflect a more true definition of beauty I think this could have a positive effect on everyone’s ideas about beauty. If ad campaigns show that beauty comes in all shapes, forms, and conditions, there will be more awareness and people will begin to cultivate eyes that can see true beauty.

Question: If these girls were considering surgical cosmetic treatment to effectively change what they looked like what would you say to them? i.e. Do you feel that your methods of coaching would be more beneficial?

This completely depends. I don’t have anything against cosmetic surgery per se. If people have a disfiguration that they really want changed, there is nothing inherently wrong with this. However, most of the time, changing the external appearance will not improve self-esteem and self-acceptance in and of itself. So I would recommend that if someone has a history of struggling with negative feelings about their bodies and themselves that they engage in internal exploration and healing, regardless of whether or not they decide to get surgery. Whether or not they have cosmetic treatment, the internal exploration will help them throughout their entire lives.

After you seek professional help with a qualified therapist or comparable professional, then you can decide whether or not you want to proceed with the treatment. This will increase the chances that you feel good with whatever decision you make.

Question: What advice would you offer to loved ones and friends who are trying to help someone who suffers from low self-esteem regarding their looks?

The very best thing you can do is to let someone know that they do not need to live with the low-self esteem and disliking their looks. Let them know that it is possible to feel great in and about themselves. You can let them know how much you love and care about them. Then encourage them to find professional help. There are many great resources available, and good professional help and guidance can make a huge difference in their life.

Sarah Maria, author of Love Your Body, Love Your Life, outlines her 5-step process for helping you feel great in and about your body. Her work embraces the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, for true, lasting healing. Purchase your copy and begin to love your body today. Visit: www.sarahmaria.com, www.breakfreebeauty.com.

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Posted by Sarah Maria on February 28th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No comments Read related posts in body image and self esteem, healthy body image, love your body, loving your body

The Magic of the Olympics

The Winter Olympics in Vancouver have captured the attention of the world. As a former college and professional baseball player (and a lifelong sports fan), I’ve always loved the Olympics and appreciated the incredible athleticism, competition, and passion of the athletes and teams, from a pure sports perspective. However, having been a live spectator at both the Atlanta and Sydney Summer Games, I’ve experienced first-hand the true spirit of the Olympics – which has been on display these past two weeks in Vancouver in a beautiful way.

There’s something truly magical that happens during the Olympics. While many of us are enjoying rooting for our country and we’ve seen some remarkable performances in Vancouver from people like Lindsey Vonn, Shaun White, Evan Lysacek, Bode Miller, and many others – the real magic of the Olympics is way bigger than any individual athlete or even any country. And, if we look deeper, there are so many aspects of the Olympics that can teach us, remind us, and inspire us on our own personal journey.

Here are some of the most important elements and lessons of the Olympics:

1) Ceremony. The Opening Ceremonies in Vancouver were breathtaking and spectacular (as was also true with the Summer Olympics in China in 2008 and with most of the Olympic opening ceremonies of the past few decades). Beyond the amazing technology, creativity, and spectacle of these ceremonies, there is a deeper commitment to beauty, ritual, and reverence. The Olympics are also filled with ceremonies throughout – medal ceremonies, the Closing Ceremonies, and more. For us to live lives of meaning, purpose, and spirit – it’s essential that we honor ourselves, others, and life in a ceremonious way.

2) Excellence. The Olympics, as much as any other sporting event, are all about excellence. The intense training, incredible competition, and extraordinary pressure of having to focus a lifetime’s worth of experience into one single performance, create an authentic sense of drama that is unique and exciting, albeit nerve-wracking. However, when we think of “excellence” in regards to the Olympics or other things in life, we often think about “winning.” While there’s nothing wrong with winning and our culture puts a high value on it (just look at the attention and adulation given to the gold medal winners in Vancouver), there is much more to real excellence than simply winning. Every athlete in Vancouver has made a commitment to excellence – even though the vast majority of them will not win medals and we’ll never even know their names. On our own path, it’s important for us to make a commitment to excellence – to go for it, dig down deep, and give it our best shot – whether or not we end up “winning.”

3) Passion. The Olympics are filled with passion – from the athletes, the host city, and the fans – in person and around the world. The emotions experienced and expressed during the Olympics, as we’ve seen these past two weeks, are intense and passionate. We’ve seen the “thrill of victory” and the “agony of defeat” on display each and every day. It’s this passion that makes the Olympics so intriguing, exciting, and fun to experience. In our own lives and on our own journeys, passion is a key component to growth, success, and fulfillment. So often we hold back our passion – waiting to see how things will turn out. However, to live life with depth, purpose, and aliveness, we have to tap into our passion in an authentic way and use it as inspiration, regardless of the outcome.

4) Play. One of the greatest things about the Olympics is that they are called “games.” This is a wonderful metaphor which reminds us that while sports (and life) can be intense and pressure-filled, they are really just games we are playing. The games played at the Olympics, not un-like in many aspects of our own lives, are played at a pretty high level and are done so with fairly high stakes. But, at the end of the day, they are all just games. Each athlete in Vancouver started in their sport as a child because it was fun, not because they wanted to win a gold medal, be on TV, or get big endorsement deals. This is a great reminder for all of us. We often get so serious and caught up in results, we forget to play. Play is essential. Scientific studies have shown that the same brain waves are generated in a high state of play as in a high state of meditation.

5) Unity. The athletes at the Olympics come together to represent their countries and to compete for something bigger than themselves. I had the privilege of playing for the USA baseball team in the World Championships when I was 18 years old. It was one of the greatest honors of my life and such a profound experience. And although in the Olympics there is a big focus, especially by the media, on individual performances as well as country competition (i.e. medal count), at the deepest level, the Olympics are about a greater sense of unity amongst all nations. There is a sense of mutual respect, admiration, and appreciation that exists at the Olympics – both with athletes and fans. I felt it on the streets of Atlanta and Sydney when I was there and see it on TV whenever I watch the Olympics now. The Olympics provide a stage for the world to engage, compete, and interact with one another in a beautiful way. One of the most important elements of our personal journey is to recognize that we are more alike than we are different. Those whom we compete against, have conflict with, and want to “beat,” are just people, like us, who have similar hopes, fears, and dreams. At the most basic and yet profound level, we are all one. Anything and everything we can do to see, remember, and remind ourselves and others of this innate unity – gives us access to deeper connection and truth.

I love the Olympics! Not only do we get to watch extraordinary athletes complete at the highest level – but we get to tap into something profound and magical that can remind us of our true power, passion, and oneness.

Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info – www.Mike-Robbins.com

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Posted by Mike Robbins on February 23rd, 2010 in General, Things We Love | No comments Read related posts in appreciation, authenticity, ceremony, excellence, gratitude, honesty, Mike Robbins, motivational speaker, Olympics, passion, play, self help, unity, Vancouver

We Always Teach What We Need to Learn

Let me be frank: I have mixed feelings about getting up in public to speak before large groups. This should come as no surprise since the fear of public speaking tops almost everyone’s list—surpassing death itself! As Jerry Seinfeld puts it, “If you were invited to give a eulogy at a funeral, you’d rather be the guy in the casket than the one at the podium!”

But what may come as a surprise is that for almost 30 years I have made a handsome living from coaching others to speak in public—before large groups and small; before juries deliberating complex issues; in Congress; at shareholders meetings; and with clients giving keynote speeches.

My career has surprised me: I never imagined I’d have landed in the Boardrooms of corporate America, nor the courtrooms where major cases were being hashed out, nor in limousines coaching CEO’s en route to a flight, nor in airplanes, posh hotels, and on expense accounts.

The work was demanding and exhilarating. The high fees I’ve commanded, the accolades, the prestige, and the perks made my work fun and gratifying. So why, then, would I rather avoid doing the very thing I coach others in? Because staying behind the scenes was my comfort zone. Stepping out meant stepping up!

I am reminded here of a line from Woody Allen’s classic Annie Hall: “Those who can do, do; those who can’t do, teach; and those who can’t teach, teach gym!”

For years, I preferred to help others hone their message, find their passion, and convey their joy (or at least, their information). But now, it has all come home to roost, for I am on a different path, having completed a book on the subject called, More Than Words Can Say: The Making of Inspired Speakers. It is now my turn to do the lecture circuit, market my book, speak before groups, and sell, sell, sell!

For years, I dreaded the thought. I avoided it and even vowed that I’d never write a book. I kept that pledge for well over 20 years, happy to be running seminars, coaching brilliant clients to open their hearts & minds, proud as a mother hen when her children succeeded, and content to remain behind the scenes.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I never went before an audience. I had my fair share of presentations, keynote speeches of my own, and informal talks. But the thought of appearing before a huge audience, one I did not know, and speaking about my book, made me feel like a used-car salesman in a tacky, plaid suit, hawking his wares.

So, I had to coach myself. And my coaching always starts with awareness—self-awareness (the hardest kind to come by). But there I met resistance. Resistance is the dance partner of awareness. They waltz around, sometimes one leading, sometimes the other. And when resistance had stepped on the toes of awareness once too many times, awareness finally waltzed off alone.

Dancing solo is most liberating. No one else pushing you where you don’t wish to go. No one else’s agenda is besting your own. When my own awareness found its voice, I realized that speaking with others holds no fear for me. One-on-one is my medium.

Total strangers are constantly confiding in me. New acquaintances appear to be old friends. Old friends share deep parts of themselves that they share with very few others.

Small groups hold no fright either. I have been running seminars for almost 30 years. I have been in classrooms with 6 – 200. My seminars get consistently rave reviews and in some firms have had waiting lists of two years. So, you might ask, what’s your problem? Why do you resist larger audiences? After all, you know what it takes to charm, seduce, embrace, inform, and inspire? You’ve seen clients transform from boring to sparkling all the time. You’ve been there, yourself! What’s up?

Here’s the deal (and I think this applies to most people): Speaking to one or to a small group is real. You see them; they see you. You can tell if they’re listening, if they’re alive, awake, with you, against you, daydreaming, etc. You can read their body language. You can meet their eyes. You are real. You’re talking—not performing.

But when the room gets large, when the lights go down, when you are in a spotlight that says “perform,” the real you gets as shy as a nervous kitten. You loose your self-confidence. You imagine all manner of horrors. You are certain they’ll see through you and not be taken in by your façade. And you’d be right!

As long as the real you is hiding behind a façade, you cannot feel at home at the podium.

You must strip: not your clothes, but your mask. You may assume that your mask is protecting you, but in reality, it is obscuring your light. And your light is what must shine for others to be engaged when you speak.

You must reveal yourself, share your private thoughts, expose your vulnerabilities, be honest with yourself and, thus, with your audience.

The greatest awareness I gained about myself is that I am not a performer: I am, though, a very good communicator. The difference is where I am shining the spotlight of my mind. When it is directed at me, I am ripe for self-consciousness; when it is directed at another, I am open to real communion. I stop asking “how am I doing,” and move to, “Are you with me.” I stop worrying about, “Will they like me,” and start considering, “What can I offer them.”

I now know from testing the waters with individual readers and with small groups, that the book I’ve written is transformational. It is meant to take your fear of public speaking and turn it into your forte. It is aimed at all speakers—in any setting—for whom authenticity and connection are paramount. Readers tell me it has changed forever the way they look at getting up in public. It has changed the way they speak to their spouses … the way they speak to their children. It has, indeed, changed their relationship with themselves.

I could not be more pleased. And I am glad to say that although I may still feel butterflies at the prospect of standing before a large group, I have taught those butterflies to fly in formation. I also figure that if Pavarotti was always nervous before every performance, I can be too.

The difference now is that I do not see it as a performance; I see my role as a sharer. I am in the spotlight to share my passion, my insights, and my pleasure. And when I share, I am engaged in an interchange . . . I am not there all alone. My listeners are up there with me; they just happen to be a few feet away. And I’ve learned to make friends with the spotlight.

The spotlight is there to illuminate me until my own light can shine on its own.

By Saskia Shakin
Author, More Than Words Can Say: The Making of Inspired Speakers
www.TheKeynoteCoach.com

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Posted by Saskia Shakin on February 23rd, 2010 in Speaking Events | 3 comments Read related posts in confidence, performnce