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How can I get back controll of my family
I am a mother of 3 children . 1 girl(8), 2 boys (4 and 2 yrs.old). I have always had it easy with my oldest daughter but here lately I feel like my children have control of my house and me and their dad. My middle son has beed diagnosed with sever ADHD and Oppistional Defient Disorder. And is on meds. but it seems like when he goes to school he is completly different child. So now I have been wondering . It must be something I am doing wrong. i have been having big problems with my daughter whom I have never had to raise my voice nor tell more than once to help me. she has been showing bad behavior at school. she no longer enjoys going to school. Now my youngest son(2 yr old) is starting to act like his older sister and brother by, throwing food on the floor throwing toys. not listing and throwing awful fits. My middle child is the only one that has been diagonesd. i try to make my kids happy by showing them one on one time and alwasy doing fun events with the kids. Lets put it this away Every time I or my husband leave the house the kids always say "what r u going to get me". They don't help with th daily chores nor do they want to take care of the personal care. i am disbaled with chronic pain and nerver damage in my back and legs. I have even applyed for Supper Nanny . My middle son is so violent at home. he has broke all 3 windows in his room and in our other homes he has always broke his windows. either by his fits or a object. I have asked for help threw the Doctors. and nothing. So i am asking for Someone PLEASE HELP ME get CONTROLL of my kids back. I Luv them so much and I don't regret on having them But I am starting to get that i don't want to get out of my room i just want to hide. b/c as soon as i wake up My daughter refues to get ready for school on time and my middle son is very demanding and telling me what I am going to do ANd i need to do it know or my house is like a tornadle went threw it. .I have tryed reward charts.And nothing seems to help me. . I would be so grateful if i can have somone help me get control of my family. . I am scared I am not doing something right. And I don't want to feel like I have no Hope I WANT TO BE STRONG FOR MY KIDS> PLEASE HELP ME !! My family of 5 is everything to me.
Dear jccbch5,
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, and when I read your question, my heart went out to you. It has taken several days to find my way back to here.
I frequent a site, RealAge.com. On one of their topic boards I happened on (perhaps) some help for you & your kids. It was written to a single mom who has 3 children - l with ADHD - by a single dad with 2 kids, one of which has ADHD & feotal alcohol syndrome. This was his advice (good advice for all the kids, not only your 4 year old):
"1. Keep mealtimes & bedtimes at the same time everyday, he needs to be in a good routine
2. When you want your child to do something, explain bit by bit as the child may not understand
3. Always praise him when he does good & give him a reward
4. When he goes out to play, pick a time when you can go with him, so he doesn't get into trouble, as ofher people may not understand his problem
5. Never shout, always speak in a quiet manner; he needs a lot of quiet time
6. Bedtime, tell him 10 minutes before he goes, so that he knows that soon he is going to bed. Read a story if needed, or let him have the radio on as a reward if he has been good
7. Routine & understanding are the key. There are a lot of other things that can be done. Try this first . . . . . . .when he is bad, sit him on a seat away from others for 3 minutes, then explain to him why he is there"
That was written by Dan3, under the heading ADHA & feotal alcohol syndrome, on RealAge.com.
About the only thing I can add, is when you want to talk with your son, get down on his eye level, that way you can tell if he is hearing what you are saying, Maintain eye contact, frequently check to see if he is understanding what you want of him & have him repeat it, when you are finished, so that you both know he understands. Keep it short.
Give him lots of love & hugs, and also the other kids. They all need that reinforcement.
The others are probably upset by their brother's actions, just as you are.
I know your life is hectic. Don't give up! Just keep telling yourself that you have the opportunity to offset some of the negative reactions that he/ his sibblings may be experiencing from outside your home. We are not given more than we can handle.
I know how you feel, ( I have 4 children, now all grown, varying in severity with ADHD). There was never a dull moment in our house!!!
If you ever want to talk, I am a good listener. Reach me thru this website, or at lilliede81@gmail.com
Good luck!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I agree with the first answer on this post - very much so. I think maybe something might have happened to your daughter to not want to go to school anymore. Maybe it is as simple as her not liking her teacher, or maybe there are bullies. It could be any number of things that she doesn't no how to deal with other than to try getting out of going. Can you ask her if she wants to try another school? Is that possible? Maybe if you give her some tools to try to bring about change, she will get better & be happier about school. She might even be able to tell you what's really bothering her.
Aside from that, a routine is so beneficial. It makes kids feel so much more comfortable if they know what is coming next. Your son's breaking windows is extreme & must be very hard to try & understand. My only suggestion is to try & ignore it & see if he is just seeking attention.
As far as your 2 year old...tantrums are just part of the package for most of them.
Can you afford a nanny? It sounds like maybe you could use a break. Childcare for medical reasons is tax deductible at least.
Another point that was already brought up is nutrition. I notice a difference in my 2 year old's behavior if he doesn't get adequate nutrition or too much sugar in a day. Fun shapes or dipping sauce makes everything more palatable.
Another big one is sleep! Make sure everyone is getting their naps & goes to bed early. If I were you, I would bump everyone's bedtime up 1 hour earlier.
I hope these suggestions help & that you can find some serenity. There is help out there, please seek it out.
It seems there are a lot of small steps to take in your situation and it 's going to take some time. I also have a child with ADHD on meds and 4 other children. Mine were getting out of control some what and I found for mine that the less tv the better. I turn on some quiet music and try to work as a team with everything. Also I don't give them to much information on who what when where and why about things(for instance, I've got your snack on the table not What do you want or Suppers ready wash your hands... not what do you want?). Just a happy environment. Mine tend to try to take control and give their opinion instead of Dad and I telling tham how things will be. The children used to forget they were children. I try to smile and love. If they do something wrong or get a bad grade I put it on them and tell them how sorry I am for them and I know they are sad about it but I know they will do better next time. A therapist once had me read a book about this type of parenting but I can't remember the name of it. It was wonderful! I'll pray for you, prayer has helped me and my family a lot.
Put a stop to this now or you'll end up like myself.I have 2 grown kids and a host of grands,believe me it's not easy.My 2 grands still depends on me like their 8 and 9.So please get help now before it's really to late.bjackson1955
It sounds like you're in need of professional help, so I would suggest trying to find a social worker, therapist or psychiatrist who can really understand and take an interest in getting to the bottom of what's going on with your children.
While you have been able to determine some real medical issues going on, it's also likely that habit have developed that you don't want to see continue.
Children crave routine and discipline, believe it or not. They want to know what their boundaries are and how far they can stretch things. I think you've observed this because you say they are different in school, meaning they know what their boundaries are there and they are mindful of them.
Another thing you might want to consider is establishing some routines... things that are done every day at around the same time everyday. Maybe you make it a family thing, but make sure to do it every day, the same time and don't back down.
And, believe it or not, there is something to the idea of nutrition in all of this. I've done some reading recently about children with various conditions who seem to respond better and behave better when they are on a vegetarian diet. There has also been some studies done in school that show that less sugar has a positive impact on children and their moods and behavior.
I'm going to encourage you to look at the resources in our new mom and new dad topics as I think you might find some experts and some books that might be helpful in this regard as well.
Remember you are the parent and take back your power... don't let your children usurp your power in this way. It sounds harsh but you need to demand respect and make sure you get it or your authority will be diminished in their eyes.
Perhaps you can find a sympathetic teacher who can help you network to a dedicated social worker who will take an interest in sticking it out with you. People like that are out there and really do want to help you.
I wish you all the best. You can do this.
