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Is There Anybody Out There?
I want to type so much, but it's as if I have something blocking it all. I even typed out an entire paragraph, then deleted it. I hope that I can finish this one and get it in. It was on a completely different subject as well. The paranoia came from out of nowhere, and is now everywhere.
Always thinking the worst of situations, as if it's a fore-gone conclusion in my own mind. It's horrible when one's mind is their own worst enemy.
I don't really know what I'm doing here other then the fact that I do believe that I need help, not only for myself, but also for my girlfriend.
Right now I am 22 years old, with no job, and living in my parents basement. My girlfriend lives a few towns over and every second of the day when she's not with me, I continously have thoughts such as, "shes out cheating on me" and thing's of that nature. I even go as far as to concot elaborate schemes with conspiracies abound, as to how she's doing it and how she's getting away with it.
Though in the end, I always manage to calm myself down and become some-what clear-headed, and I guess fend off those thoughts for a short period of time. They come back though, they always come back, sometimes a lot stronger then before.
At the end of the day it has caused me in the past to not only violate my girlfriends privacy, but also flirt with other women. Which caused us to break-up, which simply just killed me...I had a job then and hated it, it was the only thing I would leave my house for. I lost touch with all my friends, I became a shut-in.
I feel ever so wrong and ever so apologetic for doing those things to her, and I want, need, and know that I can change for the better. She's decided to take me back, and give me another chance, and I Love Her more then anything in the world, and don't want to dissapoint her. I am proud of myself for being able to say that I no longer invade her privacy or flirt with other girls.
Recently she brought up the fact that "we may not be entirely right for each other." that "no one knows the future" and that she doesn't know what she'd say if I asked her to marry her in 2 years (when before this her usual response was a swift and exhuberant (sp?) YES OF COURSE!).
When I asked about this contrast, she said that it was something that she sort of recently started thinking about a few months back.
I've been jobless for quite some time now, andeven the job I did have was meager pay.
I want to be able to provide for my girlfriend and be there for her.
I'm horrible in social situations as well. Always awkward and usually consists of me sitting around saying nothing...even in large groups of people. To which at one point my girlfriend revealed to me that at times she does feel that she has to choose between hanging out with me and her friends. For the reason that she would have to basically baby-sit me and stay with me the entire time.
I don't know what to do, I want to be more social, and more out-going, but it's like everytime I try, I simply get too nervous and just give up.
Also just to put it out there, my girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years, on and off, and with the fourth month break-up period. We have been back together for one whole year as of the start of this year.
On a random side-note, the thing that got me active about all this is...The Shield. The character Shane Vendrell reminded me so much of myself. Not so much the racist hick part, or the violence and crime part, but more for his personality I suppose and how he just couldn't get out of that hole he dug. How he came to the realization that he needed to turn it all around too late. I don't want that to happen to me, I don't want to suffer the same fate. So thank-you to the creators of The Shield and actor Walton Goggins for the character of Shane Vendrell, my inspiration. If that sounds corny or weird Im sorry, Im just trying to well idk really I just want to get thing's out there at this point.
I don't even know if this is the right place for all of this.
Even as Im writing this,I keep thinking that Im forgetting something, or that it's not how it should be. Either that I did it wrong, or I said too much. That people are going to think that Im weird or crazy. Well here goes a leap of faith....I decided I wanted to get better...so here we go..
Let me give you some insight to your problem without long drawn out answers that may overwhelm you. It's okay to brainstorm thru problems. However keeping a daily journal of your thoughts will give you time to reflect and find your own solutions. This social discomfort you're experiencing is seemingly your biggest problem. It's a psychological disorder with symptoms of social anxiety, avoidance or relunctant involvement in social situations for fear of sounding foolish, sensitvity to what others might think or say about you, no close friends other than family, hypersensitivity to criticism or disapproval of others. Ask yourself as a child / adolescent what experiences of embarrasment, rejection, criticism, neglect, abandonment, abuse etc. might you had to cause fear associating with others. Books to read "The Feelin Good Handbook and "Ten Days to Self-Esteem" author (BURNS). List experiences with groups that you enjoyed and talked what was different? As for the G/F drop her. You're 22 plenty time for romance. Find self-confidence 1st. Go get a trade to boost manhood. Get your priorities in order work and school at same time,getting job in commpleted studies. See business and a goal keeps your mind off G/F. Do volunteer work... helping others give you a sense of worthiness and belonging. Bond with males young & old and discuss problem... with a stranger is good... that way you won't feel threatened and you would have initiated social contact at the same time. Get in a Self-help group for social phobia. Reflect onself make self renewed. Once you make the step to positively change self all good things that are right will follow. Peace be with you. Grow with God"s Blessings! your friend, cangowitit
Two places on this site you might find tips. Search "How Bad Do You Really Want It"
First sentence of number 1.
and "Making Goals Habits"
There are more -- these 2 I found looking for tips on my own stuff.
Good Luck
Have you ever been full of energy and joy? An attractive person for others? Can you remember smth like that?
First off -- you are wanting to change, yes, but you must understand -- change for yourself, inside yourself, for you. People are drawn to those who love themselves, have confidence in themselves, believe in themselves. Once you achieve change in this way, your girlfriend will see your focus change.
Questions you need to answer for yourself:
Is the girlfriend an obsession for you?
The thoughts that she's cheating, has to do with lack of trust, doesn't it?
Why do you dwell so much on being unworthy?
Why do you feel no one could love you?
Do you believe you Can change?
Would it help if you persued professional help? Yes, I believe it would. Counseling & group counseling might help you to see through the fog of conflicting thoughts.
If you want a job & to keep a job, why not get out & make it a job looking for one -- till you find one?
Do you really hate yourself?
To get a different view, get out of the house everyday for at least a couple hours. Even if it's only to walk around a mall or shopping area or better yet a park. Maybe you won't want to, but do it anyway.
If your girl is abusive, or starts to become abusive on a regular basis, it is time for you to walk away, no matter how deeply you care for her.
You may not want to hear that, but abusive relationships only get worse as time goes by.
Is there a trade school, a community college where you can take classes to prepare you for the work force? Is there a job that you'd be interested in which gives on-the-job training?
Have you considered taking some writing classes along with your other studies, your discriptions are very vivid -- possibly you have writing talents?
For the self talk, again I recomment Louise Hay. I believe some of her books may be in the public library.
Your mind is in a whirling conflict with all the thoughts you discribe, think about replacing the negative ones with positive affirmations.
Without healthy eating habits, exercise, sufficient sleep and plenty of water, you can throw your whole system out of balance. Do you think you can start here, to begin to create the change you so want?
You are 22 and there are many things to look forward to & experience. Take care of you and learn to love and nurture you.
Glad you "put it all out there" -- that's a step toward change.
It sounds like you need an infusion of self confidence, self love & self esteem.
Where to begin . . . . . . can you take a sheet of lined paper & fold in half lengthwise. At the top on the left side write what "I like about me . . .", and on the right side, what "I want to change . . .". Allow the information that comes to mind flow onto the paper. Let the lists sit a day or so, then meditate on what is written, perhaps one at a time. See what comes to mind. Don't know how to meditate? Most towns have groups who meditate, and often will offer meditation classes.
Check this site for the change Being Happier. You may have some depression, so check out Depression.
Take another sheet of paper or a notebook & start looking for things that you are thankful for. Every day for the next 30 days write down the things for which you are thankful that day, be it just the blue of the sky, or the song of a bird.
Check out Louise Hay's books on positive affirmations to replace the self talk that you describe. It's not going to be the easiest change, but You Can Do It!
If there is counseling available through the county or elsewhere, that might help you to sort everything out.
Are you eating a healthy diet, drinking plenty water, exercising? Take care of you, and learn to nurture you.
Don't try to change everything all at once. Just focus on a little at a time.
Also know that there is support here on
First30Days.
Let us know how you are doing.
