Lost in Limbo

For years, I was depressed but I kept it hidden from everyone I knew. Slowly, things got to be too much for me where it became harder and harder to not let people see that there was something wrong. My oldest sister was so sweet and paid for us (all four of us sisters) to go on a cruise. I thought the time away would be relaxing and I'd come back refreshed but it was like the opposite effect.

I couldn't really enjoy my time and felt that I was slipping further and further into depression. There were times where I contemplated jumping overboard but I didn't want to ruin all those people's vacations. When I came back home, I couldn't put it off any longer and called my primary care physician for a psychiatrist referral.

I slowly started to feel better after therapy and after his recommendation, I joined an online dating site. Here I was, 37 years old and never had a boyfriend before. I thought that was pretty bad for a hetrosexual female who wants kids, so after several months, I finally went out on a date. It had been a long time and I found myself attracted to this guy. Fast forward two months and I'm pregnant with his baby but he's already stopped answering my calls and returning my emails. I felt awful but not too bad because I didn't care if it had to be just me and my baby. It turns out he had already started dating someone else but would call me regularly to see how I was doing.

I lost the baby at 14 weeks, 5 days. I spoke to this guy once after I got out of the hospital and was upset because he sounded relieved. This whole experience made me slip into further dispair. I was suicidal and everyone knew it. They wouldn't leave me by myself. I went back on anti-depressants, returned to therapy and started online dating again.

A few months later, I started dating this guy from Long Island. I quit my job and moved there so we could run his business together. Turns out, he was too preoccupied with his drug habit to want to work any more. After 22 days, I moved back home.

No job, no savings, no health insurance, nothing. I felt worthless. I finally landed a temporary position doing something similiar to what I did before the big move but I was bored and unhappy and I'm sure they knew it. After many cuts, I was finally let go and I've been looking for a job ever since. I don't know what to do because I no longer wish to be in that field.

I started reading inspirational books to help myself. I created the visual boards and hung them in my bedroom to look at everyday. They say that every person is born with a God-given talent and we just need to tap into that, but I don't know what mine is. I try to look for jobs but find myself focusing more on finding a man. I want kids and a family more than anything. I think especially after losing my son, the urge to have kids is so much stronger than before. I can't seem to get my priorities straight and don't know what to do...