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What change are you going through? Thinking of making?
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Too much change has sunk me..HELP!
Hello everyone, and thank you to Ariane for having this website, I found it yesterday when just googling help me change my mind,I want to die!! I don't like telling this story its depressing and to me sounds so self centered which I don't want to be, but I am going to do it in hopes that someone out there in this world has the answer to save me.
I am 39 I have four children 21 19 17 14..a husband of 21 years. In the past two years I have experienced major life changes so fast I couldn't really process them, my father who I adored died, I went thru 9 months of living breathing trying to heal him from bladder cancer, and he died after 9 months from being diagnosed, and being perfectly healthy before. We lost our family business and only source of income absolutely in a day, going from making over 100,000 dollars a year to 0. We lost our home, the first home we ever owned that we built that my father helped us build, where the majority of raising my children were spent..the memories in that home are incredible and monumental, and now so very painful to have in my head! We were basically homeless, living with friends and family, relying on their generosity to feed our family, for a year. Went thru having to find new employment, trying to find new areas to be marketable, really having no skills, either one of us!! My oldest making the choice to move out and having to learn to let go, seeing that my role as "mom" really with all my kids is drastically changing and not wanting to let go!!! I have major medical issues that have just compounded in the past year, most likely looking at it from all the undealt with stress, but also,three failed back surgeries, having stomach ulcers, having my gall bladder removed, nerve damage in my back, joint issues, constant pain and now insane depression I can't control.... then last month being given a diagnosis of a nodule on my lung and a knot on my cervix that they aren't sure about, I go back wed to mayo clinic for more testing, and now I feel that I may have caused this, with the stress and my thinking, and my begging for a way out all these months, I have been handed exactly what I asked for... to be done with life. Which yes if I could check out with out hurting my kids or husband I absolutely would!!! I feel like I have lost myself, I do not know who I am or what I want, I am tired I hurt and I see nothing worth living for, I desperatly need and want help, so I have laid out my story ...my soul .... if anyone has a comment or a suggestion or can tell me how they have survived and flourished after dealing with similar life issues (as I know everyone has them) I would love to hear them. I have just thrown myself to the hands of the world, to god, to anyone who may have the answer, because I need one. Thank you so much for listening and caring!!!! NAMASTE ( please excuse any gramatical errors, I typed so fast to just get my feelings and words out)
Namaste,
I too have felt like you although your problems seem very insurmountable and I feel mine are less so. Are you able to get professional counseling? Do you have health Insurance. I did not and live in a country where I could walk two blocks and get something to help me end my life. I was seriously thinking of it and called some toll free depression/suidcide help lines. As they are unpaid and not professionals you just need to pray to God that you get a caring compassionate person. I did get one and several others were quite worthless and in fact made me feel worse. Go on line and maybe having that person to talk to will make things a bit better at least for one day. I have a son that was shot 9 years ago in the back and is a parapalegic. A good friend of mind told me just get through the next 10 minutes, if you can´t do that just get through the next minute. That advise has stuck with me all these years. I am extremely lonely and isolated but I have forced myself to take a few steps toward change. Changed friends who were not loving (now I really only have 2 where I live... I joined a nondenominational church (had not been in 40 years) Quit drinking alcohol. Listening to inspirational messages including Ariane´s. Talk to my friends and family even if I am crying... it is ok to cry. I read a quote from Audry Hepburn that said "don´t fret, it never turns out that way anyway". Well some things in your life, in fact alot have gone wrong. Is there someone from your past that you can reconnect with and talk about things in your childhood? I recently reconnected with my Sister after 17 years and only by phone... It has helped me tremedously as we talk through our huge challenges and yes we both have had huge ones.. Hers seem bigger than mine to me and she always makes me laugh. Now I know that I could no longer take my life and take away what she and I have gotten bake. Please disregard my spelling also. I will pray for you and I am not that religious, but I know God is listening. Chinita