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What change are you going through? Thinking of making?
(note that you will be helping others as your story will be shared on the site and all of us will try and help you)
My World upside down
I am 53 and going through a divorce, not by my decision, but my husband's. There is so many things that are involved with this change that I don't really know where to focus first. He is going through a midlife crisis (claims he will never get old with his earrings and now tatoos, as they are working for him) having an affair with a mutual friend (who is obese) (whom I shared my life and problems about my marriage with - unbeknownst to me that she would use that against me) She shares the same 1st name as mine, has become very best friends with my 16 year old daughter, now my daughter has pretty much regected me. My husband is verbally abusive, and now with this new realtionship become more of an alcoholic. Due to the abusive problems I had to leave in a hurry and leave my daughter behind. We tried 5 times to put things back together over the last year but the other women would not leave him alone and he didn't do much to discourage this as they work for the same company.
I have been going through counseling and going to the YWCA for domestic violence support. That has been helpful, but I am having a awful time not missing my husband (he was not always like this I know the man he was before, and that was a kind and caring man.) I want to e-mail him or what ever, to see if there is any love there, to see if we are making a mistake, but have not done this as I am afraid of the answer. I hear he looks terrible and is drunk most of the time. My heart says help him, but my head is(through counseling) saying no. How do I get through this? We went through bankruptcy and lost out house. I still love him, although I know I shouldn't, but I cannot get him out of my heart and head after 27 years. I feel upside down with my heart, help!!
dear sistersuz...you are very brave and honest. I acknowledge you for that.
And you must also really raise your standards now on what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Remember, in every action you do and dont do, you are either being a warning or an example for others, especially your kids.
The best thing you can do is anything that will rebuild your sense of self, your self esteem, your body, your spirit....take a dancing class for example! or something that will make you feel like a fabulous woman again. Find your creative spirit again.
This is a time for you. No more helping others. No more putting yourself last. No more seeing yourself as someone's wife. Take your power back from all of that. Those are ways the ego tricks us from doing the inner work of healing.
1) take care of your health, exercise, sleep, drink water, eat well
2) start doing something you love, that really brings you joy, anything....joy is the energy of new things being created
3) surround yourself with people who are optimists, not negative, not reminding you of what happened.
4) Put some boundaries as to what you will not accept anymore. Respect yourself more and see how others change. You deserve to be loved, nothing else and you know what love looks like.
please if you can, pick up a copy of my book...it has some wonderful advice to help you move through this change. You will one day see this as the best thing that happened to you.
Life is on your side...accept what happened. Stop clinging to the past, to what he was...go in the direction of the river instead of rowing back upstream. I promise you there are good things ahead for you
Ariane xo
I too went through something like you are, about 20 years ago. My husband was an alcoholic & moved out of our home & in with his girlfriend. He told others it hurt him to see the kids & I doing so well as he felt we could not "make it" without him. Well, the love in my heart did not die overnight, neither did the sympathy come for him easily. I can say it will get better & think of yourself FIRST. Your daughter will come around, it will just take time. Be patient, brave, stay healthy & forget about him as much as you can.
You are getting healthy now and the healthier in mind, body & spiritually you become the stronger you will be & realize these coming years will be the best of your life. I am now 62, single, dating a nice guy (but they all have some baggage) and have gone places, done things and have more friends then I EVER would have with him. He is now diabetic, had heart problems, just quit smoking & drinking, a few surgeries and when I see him around I am sooo glad he left & I went through with the divorce. Now I look at him with compassion for the life he ruined for himself. The kids have quit hating him years ago & feel sorry for him now. He has been remarried & says he is happy, good for him & good for me!!! I KNOW I am happy!!!
SisterSuz, I feel for you. I too am going through a divorce (at age 59) though mine has less conflict than yours. Nevertheless, it is an incredibly difficult time. I do believe that everything in life is an opportunity and I am focusing on that knowledge, friends, family and my increased spiritual interest. Remember to try to stay in the present moment and not let yourself get depressed about the future. And remember to BREATHE. Love to you.
Suz: One day at a time!! You have to take care of yourself-there's very little you can do about your husband. Whatever he's going through is definitely not good. But, if he doesn't try and help himself, no one else will be able to either. Get up, get out, find new interests and move forward. It will hurt-especially since you've been together for so long. My heart is with you, and I wish you well.