The son I gave up for adoption

I am a 40 year old mother to 3 children. My 12 year old son is mine by birth and I also have a stepdaughter and stepson. When I was 17 years old I gave up my son for adoption. It was honestly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have spent the last 21 years wondering how he is doing, if he ever thinks of me, if he hates me for what I did,etc. All the emotions I assume anyone in my position goes through. (I'd like to add that I myself am also an adopted child so I know what it's like from both ends of the spectum.) I have contact with my birthmother and she has become an important part of our family. I have met my birthfather but he doesn't seem to interested...

I have written a couple of letters to the adoptive parents of my son thanking them for giving him all that he has and wishing to meet them one day. (He is an only child that wanted for nothing while growing up.) I have never heard anything back from my son until this past Mother's Day. I went to the mailbox and he had written me a letter. I almost had a heart attack right there in front of the mailbox!!!! He sent some pictures and told me a little about himself and said that he wanted me to write him back so we could keep in contact. He thanked me for not being intrusive in his life (which I never have been, and I have known where he lives for years) and said to write him back. I did and have not heard anything from him in 3 months. I even gave him my email address. I feel like I'm going insane constantly checking the mailbox and my email for anything from him!! After all of these years I'm clinging on to what little bit I have been given.
My 12 year old son has no idea that I have this secret in my past and I feel horrible for keeping it from him. He and I are best friends and we are thisclose and tell each other everything. The reason I have never told him is that I don't want him to hold out hope for someone who may never want a relationship with us. (I have always planned on telling him when he gets older though. I would never keep that hidden from him forever. I feel he's too young to understand right now. He is mommy's boy.)
In the past year I have also found out that the birthfather of my adopted son passed away. He had the same heart issue that killed John Ritter. It has been 22 years since I had any contact with his birthfather as my pregnancy is what broke us up. It was a bitter breakup but he was my first "real love" and I'm not quite sure what I feel about his death. I have been happily married for 13 years but sometimes when I think about it I just cry for no reason. I don't know.......

When you add all of this to the fact that I'm premenopausal and my emotions are flying off the handle from one minute to the next, I feel as if I am going crazy all of the time! I really just needed to get all of this off of my chest.

Thanks for listening.................

Lisa